Tag: Israel

People dying all over and the Israelis be like, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!’

May 15th, 2018 – Jerusalem, Old City, Nakba Day

Nakba day

‘The Kingdom of Heaven suffereth violence, and men of violence take it by force.’ – Matthew 11:12

10:00 AM

Sitting at the Temple Mount for the first time. Looking at the Al-Asqa mosque. Tried to enter, but was not allowed. Told them I was going to be practicing Ramadan and they suggested I speak to the Mufti about it to receive permission to come here for Ramadan as it is usually not allowed for non-Muslims. My friend Ana has been with me. She is really quite unique and special. She was supposed to leave today, but decided to stay one more day. Tomorrow she will go to Tiberius I believe. We may go explore the tunnels under the wall and temple soon which is exciting.

My plan for Ramadan is that it should be very beneficial for me to purify myself and to “try something new.” I am going to “follow the rules” as well as surrender and not try and force anything in the process. No drinking anything, no eating, no smoking from 4:00 am until night around 8 PM. I will try and go for the full month, but who knows what will happen. I may have to return home for whatever reason in the weeks to come. And I am nearly fully broke, but I have been trying to get to a point of being broke so I am not really upset. If I do run out of money, there are plenty of places I can volunteer during the time period and get sufficient food for the Ramadan time period.

Joe and I ran into each other again last night “randomly.” We had a bunch of drinks with a lot of people on the roof. I eventually “asked/accused” him of lying and he admitted he does unconsciously lie often. I could see tears sort of coming when I was questioning him. He said after he lies, recognizes it is a lie, he feels it is too much to go back in the conversation and say, “Actually that is a lie.” Thus this may be the definition of a pathological liar. Perhaps the greatest “sin” that I can think of as “sin” would be lying, especially if one is fully aware that they are lying. I asked him if he was trying to stop and he said yes. I asked him if he could see how it was hard for me to trust him and I think he confirmed as well.

Afterwards, a new Muslim man from London came and joined our little get-together on the roof. We eventually all three decided to go to the market bars for drinks, although the new man didn’t drink, but was fun to have around in the “encompassing” conversation. Biggest “event” that happened is Joe and I decided to totally change script for our new TV show idea again. Brought it to the next level. Two main changes is season 1 will be “doubled” to 20-24 episodes. People will think episode 12 is “finale” and then “all of a sudden” episode 13 will be released the week after. We will sign a NDC with whoever buys the rights to the show that they will only say there are 12 episodes, but will release the following 12 immediately afterwards.

I never want to make a TV show released “all at once.” Better if it is week by week like HBO or “the old way” that shows were always released. Builds suspense. When people are hungry, food tastes better. The other important aspect is 1-12 will be “full of hope” and it is a “feel good” story from the first to last episode. People will be so happy at the end. When 13-24 is released, it is about taking these built up hopes and just destroying them. BUT, the saving grace is that the whole show can be watched consecutively from 1 to 24 or from 24 to 1, thus it is a “good ending” no matter what.

If done correctly, this will be a cinematic and television “masterpiece”. Furthermore, by combining elements of ‘Groundhog Day’, with ‘Memento’, and then the extra religious elements extremely subtly adding characters and events from the old and new testament that correspond accordingly to the episodes, it will be “masterpiece” worthy. But, we may also “change Biblical history” as well, to not follow exact prophesy, which is boring.

I would like to study and learn ancient Greek and Latin. Look for schools in Jerusalem. Some say today is first day of Ramadan, others say it begins in two days on Thursday, thus I will start tonight/tomorrow. From tomorrow morning I will stop eating, drinking, smoking, and continuing my full vow of celibacy. Since we were able to go to Temple Mount today, it had not started yet. Nonetheless I will begin tomorrow. May God keep me strong. Amen

2:30 PM

Is Jerusalem the “Dream world”? When they say Jerusalem has been captured 44 times are they referring to the “Dream world”? Is Israel in charge of it now? Were there attacks against it by ‘terrorists’ in dreams?

‘Make it hard to spot the soldier by acting like a General.’

3:00 PM

The city is dreadfully silent. All the shops are closed. There are no tourists in the streets. Although there are plenty of reasons ‘why’ it still does not feel to be real. Perhaps it was the 50+ Gazas who died yesterday protesting. The US embassy was moved from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem yesterday. There were projections of American and Israel flags across the Old City outer walls and flags of the US equal to Israel at the Supreme court building. It made me truly sick to my stomach. There is a feeling amongst the Israelis here that victory has been won. And it just makes me sick that they do not care about what is happening across the wall.

I am not special.
I am not unique.
I am not the one anyone is looking for.
I am not of any prophesy.
I am not a doer.
I am not a planner.
I am merely an observer.
I am just mingling.

Going down into the Western Wall tunnels… Should be fun.

The Metaphysical Landscape of Historical War: A New Crusade?

May 13th, 2018

Reality is still to be embraced and reported without flinching. – Edward O. Wilson

It is interesting to contemplate that in the “simplification”, or some may call “evolution”, or others “degradation”, of language of the past few centuries or so, in terms of “quality of content” and “style”, that an English speaker of the next century may look at my writings as “overly-proper” or “alien” or “Shakespearean” similar to how I look at “Shakespeare” or “Old English” now.

Below are some “important” points of Evola’s Metaphysics of War as well as  John Lewis Gaddis’s Landscape of History. Afterwards I have added my daily notes from the past few days as well as three new “protest” poems.

Metaphysics of War on “The Meaning of the Crusades” (Originally published on July 9th, 1935 as ‘Significato della Crociata’ in ‘Diorama mensile,’ Il Regime Fascista)

Metaphysics of war

‘Most of the knights who gave their energies and their blood for the “holy war” had only the vaguest ideas and the sketchiest theological knowledge regarding the doctrine for which they fought. However, the cultural context of the Crusades contained a wealth of elements able to confer upon them a higher, spiritually symbolic meaning.

Transcendent myths resurfaced from the subconscious in the soul of Western chivalry: the conquest of the ‘Holy Land’ located ‘beyond the sea’ was much more closely associated than many people have imagined with the ancient saga according to which ‘in the distant East, where the Sun rises, lies the sacred city where death does not exist, and the fortunate heroes who are able to reach it enjoy celestial serenity and perpetual life.’

‘Moreover, the struggle against Islam had, by its nature and from its inception, the significance of an ascetic test. “This was not merely a struggle for the kingdoms of the  earth”, wrote the famous historian of the Crusades, Kugler, “but a struggle for the Kingdom of Heaven: the Crusades were not a thing of men, but rather of God – therefore, they should not be thought of in the same way as other human events.”

Sacred war, according to an old chronicler, should be compared to “a bath like that in the fire of purgatory, but before death”. Those who died in the Crusades were compared symbolically by Popes and priests to ‘gold tested three times and refined seven times in the fire’ a purifying ordeal so powerful that it opened the way to the supreme Lord.’

“Never forget this oracle”, wrote Saint Bernard, “whether we live, or whether we die, we belong to the Lord. It is a glory for you never to leave the battle [unless] covered with laurels. But it is an even greater glory to earn on the battlefield an immortal crown […] Oh fortunate condition, in which death can be approached without fear, waited for with impatience, and received with a serene heart!’

‘Warriors weary of the world, who had seen everything and enjoyed everything, withdrew into such orders, thus making themselves ready for an absolute action, free from the interests of common, temporal life, and also of political life in the narrow sense. Urban VIII addressed chivalry as the supra-national community of those who were “ready to run to war wherever it might break out, and to bring to it the fear of their arms in defence of honour and of justice.”

‘In fact, the man of the Crusades was able to rise, to fight and to die for a purpose which, in its essence, was supra-political and supra-human, and to serve on a front defined no longer by what is particularistic, but rather by what is universal. This remains a value, an unshakable point of reference.’

‘There is a radical difference between the one who engages in warfare simply as such, and the one who simultaneously engages in “sacred war” and finds in it a higher experience, both desired and desirable for the spirit.’

‘First of all, in an “indomitability” of the heroic impulse: the one who experiences heroism spiritually is pervaded with a metaphysical tension, an impetus, whose object is ‘infinite’, and which, therefore, will carry him perpetually forward, beyond the capacity of one who fights from necessity, fights as a trade, or is spurred by natural instincts or external suggestion.’

‘Secondly, the one who fights according to the sense of “sacred war” is spontaneously beyond every particularism and exists in a spiritual climate which, at any given moment, may very well give rise and life to a supra-national unity of action. This is precisely what occurred in the Crusades when princes and dukes of every land gathered in the heroic and sacred enterprise, regardless of their particular utilitarian interests or political divisions, bringing about for the first time a great European unity, true to the common civilization and to the very principle of the Holy Roman Empire.’

‘Now, in this respect as well, if we are able to leave aside the “integuement”, if we are able to isolate the essential from the contingent, we will find an element who precious value is not restricted to any particular historical period. To succeed in referring heroic action also to an ‘ascetic’ plane, and in justifying the former according to the latter, is to clear the road towards a possible new unity of civilisation, to remove every antagonism conditioned by matter, to prepare the environment for great distances and for great fronts, and, therefore, to adapt the outer purposes of action gradually to its new spiritual meaning, when it is no longer a land and the temporal ambitions of a land for which one fights, but a superior principle of civilisation, a foreshadowing of what, even though itself metaphysical, moves ever forward, beyond every limit, beyond every danger, beyond every destruction.’

Caspar David Friedrich’s ‘The Wanderer Above a Sea of Fog’

Intro Chapter to Landscape of History

‘We are born, each of us, with such self-centeredness that only the fact of being babies, and therefore cute, saves us. Growing up is largely a matter of growing out of that condition: we soak in impressions, and as we do so we dethrone ourselves – or at least most of us do – from our original position at the center of the universe.’

‘Niccolo Machiavelli made the point in The Prince: how was it, he asked his patron Lorenzo de’ Medici, that “a man from a low and mean state dares to discuss and give rules for the governments of princes?” Being Machiavelli, he then answered his own question:’

‘For just as those who sketch landscapes place themselves down in the plain to consider the nature of mountains and high places and to consider the nature of low places place themselves high atop mountains, similarly to know well the nature of peoples one needs to be [a] prince, and to know well the nature of princes one needs to be of the people.’

‘Machiavelli further wrote, “considering that no greater gift could be made by me than to give you the capacity to be able to understand in a very short time all that I have learned and understood in so many years and with so many hardships and dangers for myself.” The purpose of his representation was distillation: he sought to “package” a large body of information into a compact usable form so that his patron could quickly master it.’

“For since men almost always walk on paths beaten by others…, a prudent man should always… imitate those who have been most excellent, so that if his own virtue does not reach that far, it is at least in the odor of it.”

‘Studying the past is no sure guide to predicting the future. What is does do, though, is to prepare you for the future by expanding experience, so that you can increase your skills, your stamina – and, if all goes well, your wisdom. For while it may be true, as Machiavelli estimated, “that fortune is the arbiter of half our actions,” it’s also the case that “she leaves the other half, or close to it, for us to govern.” Or, as he also put it,

“God does not want to do everything.”

Arrogance, what Arrogance

What to do?
You want me to convince who?
Start a war you say?
How can I when I can’t even play?

How can the Jews dance the streets?
When they know across the wall Arabs and Muslims are dying on their feets?
Moving the embassy you say,
Will fix all the problems?
I call it a travest-ay.
Since when are our Presidents supposed to intervene religiousl-ay?
It’s a sad day,
For the Palistine-ay.

Maybe God does not intervene with His team,
But is unseen.
It’s all a big lie,
To justify,
Evil, corruption, and murder in the land that is Hol-ay.

And I say, what can I do to stop this travest-ay?
Fight and protest? Or write and stay?
We must all pick our sides one day,
I choose the side that is not happ-ay.

All the liar’s houses will come down,
I don’t work for the “man”, like God’s clown.
More like a pirate who wants it all burnt down.
How can a pacifist fight with no frown?

How can you fat fucks, stay in your domiciles? Docile?
Across the sea with a pile,
Of pills and criticize me,
Who fights when the fighters need some Adreni-lile.

Why not be openly antagonistic?
Why not go ballistic?
Who gonna stop a man who is fatalistic?
Arrogance, what arrogance.

May 13th, 2018 – 2:00 PM

Just had a ton of realizations after going through market and up to Wohl Rose Garden.

If “God is not dead, but merely not interfering” then in essence, for any semblance of His will to be done, “we” must interfere on His behalf, if we see it as a duty or responsibility from our own connection to Him or the morality that has been built within us, whether this world is real or not.

We cannot take the chance of “inaction” if the world is real. The world must be re-balanced. Wars worth fighting do exist.

Arrogance, itself, must always be punished. Especially when on the other side of arrogance the people are suffering, dying, and crying.

3:00 PM

The fight I see is the fight to remove “Jewish control” of Israel. That doesn’t make me anti-semetic, nor does that mean I am advocating violence or killing anyone. But to say this is only the Jewish homeland and no other and they can do whatever they like with full say is a huge travesty.

Israel is actually a “shithole”. It’s creation has made the Middle East a “shithole” and it has destroyed every country in the world, in one way or another, since it’s inception. Since it’s inception, it has gone as far as destroying the U.S. from within by it’s relationship and entangling alliance. To me the downfall of America and the alliance with Israel are completely linked. More or less, if Israel lives, the world will die. This might sound far-fetched to some, but so be it.

It was also interesting today that my realizations came before my eating and drinking and not after specifically. Could there be anything greater than one month of Ramadan realizations? I am not Muslim, but I see absolutely nothing wrong with practicing fasting over an extended period of time. Why not see what happens? It is easier if done with a large group who are also following the same “rules”.

If one cannot tell if the world is real or fake, than “real” must be the default, but it does not necessarily make it true. If the possibility of mental manipulation and idea implantation exists, than I cannot be sure of anything, including whether this is a real or unreal world. Perhaps it is just that “reality” is different than we thought. Uncover these lies.

My family wants me to write it’s history as they are afraid no one will remember them. That’s right, they have done nothing worth remembering. Is that my fault? If they want to document themselves, why not do it themselves? Do they think I will just automatically give them a “polished” treatment as I am “of the family”? All of my life has been built for me to not “dishonor” my family, but what honor do they know? They should be “dishonored” for they do not know what honor truly is.

I do want to find the “end of time,” for the end of time will not be the end of the world. I want to find the end of “divination” or “divining time”. Maybe nothing matters, but contemplation, perhaps inevitably leading to war. Find a world where people do not know the future.  Look up in the West Bank where Israeli’s are not allowed. Re-study Arabic. Write all posts and poems in Arabic. Write poetry about anti-Jewish control of the “Holy Land,” which in my opinion is destroying the world. For perhaps I am a “true Jew” “of the spirit” trapped in a Christian body. World War 2 was about “co-opting” true Judaism, which was always a thorn in the side of “modernity”, “holding the fort” for God. They killed and replaced “true Jews” with a “new entity”, completely foreign to the Jews of the past in “blood”, “mindset”, and “faith.” Don’t let it happen again. Look closer at this “theory”.

The Fat Lady Does Not Sing, She Laughs

Oh, the funny nature of mankind,
Who so badly wants to destroy itself.
But unable to pull the trigger,
It does all in it’s limited power,
To try and destroy Mother Nature instead.
Thinking that by destroying The Mother,
Itself will die as well.
This is the meaning of “It will all be over when the fat lady sings.”

mother earth

But what a joke she has played!
The “belief” that one can destroy or save the Mother,
Is the funniest belief of all!
To act like one has control,
Or that one need’s saving,
Does not make the Lady sing, but laugh!
Full throatedly!

political youth.jpg

Why, oh, why can we not learn from the lessons of our past?

Today’s “Political” Youth

The boys shout for joy,
A joy for what you ask?
They have no idea,
For they are only products,
Created in a lab.

They say these are Jewish youth,
Or Israeli youth,
But after “past” youth,
Why should anyone create “political” youth?

For they shout and dance on this side,
While on the other, boys die.
They fight, they cry.
What good is arrogance?
If paid at the expense of others?
Fuck the ignorant “political” youth.

May 14th, 2018

Different dreams came when I have to pee and don’t go but “hold it in.” I was in some sort of “pleasure capital” last night. Lots of women. In the daytime they are more into serving food, lots of “thick ankles” I noticed for some reason, not seducing. When night comes, they “change shifts” and the wild ones come out. I was kissing a lot of them in a deep pool of water, like kids do when they are young and shy (also a reenactment of the scene in Hook where he kisses mermaids under the water). Now that I think about it, it is extremely rare for me to have dreams specifically underwater.

Later, I was in a casino. Playing craps. The table continually got smaller and then larger. A lot of times I was rolling off the table. I never threw a 7! My brother might have been there and I sort of remember Kid Rock as the dealer. I woke up and asked myself, “Why am I ok with gambling in my dreams if I don’t gamble in real life?” After this I got up out of bed.

11:00 am

Father John of Kronstadt

‘According to Father John: “God is a simple Being. He does not consist of a series of ideas or of a multitude of words, but He is totally in one idea, totally in every word; like a holy fire He penetrates into each word and, he added: “by nature man’s soul is simple – it rejects everything which is artificially designed.”

Sounds about right to me…  😉

Droppin’ Tables, Turnin’ Nukes

He had a long dream, and the final message was, “please don’t go.”

atom bomb.jpg

“Reality is not only experience, it is immediate experience.” – R.G. Collingwood

May 11th, 2018

It’s a beautiful day, but all my dreams were about sex. Is that because I was dancing last night or is that because I am onto something with my dream interpretation?

There was a “porn star” in my dreams last night talking about how they “trap” royals. The Chinese girls the other day were mentioning something. And the German guy waking up near me and having to leave saying, “I am sensitive,” was similar. What is the connection?

What this means is I “have” to find out more about dreams, and I have to go somewhere alone to see what they are like then. The answers must be “in there.”

“As above, so below,” must refer to the dream world. “The war must be going on there.” I must work on becoming sober in this life to fight there. That is what came to me. “I enjoy war in there,” but not on the outside.

Perhaps the greater and lesser war referred to by Muhammad and Islam refers to the battles inside and outside of the “dream world.” Perhaps multiple spiritual and religious leaders of the past were referring to the “war within” rather than physical war, which seems so contrived and “wag the doggish”. Maybe the “terrorists” that were eventually rounded up and thrown into “black prisons” like Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo were actually fighting a war within their dreams. Eventually, they were found and tortured and sleep-deprived until they stopped fighting and winning the war within. Whether this is true or not, it would make a killer book or movie.

Later in the morning:

Met two new nice German girls sleeping on the roof. Chatted this morning, told them some crazy stuff I’ve been going through. Had a lot of laughs for early in the morning. Hit it off and had breakfast after.

Told them my realizations about the importance of fully understanding the “Dream world.” It is half our life and yet we know almost nothing about it. Why is this? It is like an uncharted continent that “someone” doesn’t want us exploring. I told them I’m looking for a war, and if the war is in there, I am ready.

Last night had a “wonderful” night, give or take, with my Dutch friends, R and M, and my new “friend” Joseph. I’ve hit it off well with both girls. Even though I am celibate, I have deep attractions for both. They are sexy as hell in their own unique ways. M is a “crazy good comforter” specifically for what I have gone through. R is as well in her own way. I remember telling M last night that since she trusted me, it was hard for me to trust her. So strange to say to someone, but it was true and deep. I told her though that even if I didn’t fully trust her I liked being around her and appreciated the support she was giving.

I kissed them both on the cheeks and went to bed. Tonight we may do shabbat and wine on the roof. I might quit drinking in a few days. Also Joseph and I are writing a new screenplay. I may stay in Jerusalem to write it and to take part in Ramadan. We will see. Furthermore, my new “reading on the stomach” trick, sleeping, waking, is working consistently.

Shabbat dinner – Cabbage Salad, Cherry Tomato Dish, Eggplant fried, hummus and pita, olives, watermelon, three bottles of wine.

May 12, 2018 – 2:00 am

Having a very clear dream, I think Joe is in it. The basis and final message was, “Please don’t go.” My initial reaction and interpretation is “please don’t go back into believing this is reality,” but it could also be that Joe is in some way transmitting, “please don’t go” as he knows that even though we are making “grand plans” for a television show and screenplay, that I will probably choose to leave rather than stay. I am not sure which one it is yet.

I think that Joe was the one who still feels he is the Messiah, and yet he talks about others, even though he means himself. I think he is a good liar. Attorney. I was sent to him, but maybe for a different purpose than either he or I thought.

When he makes a story of “I have met him,” he is actually talking about himself. Saying that if someone would have made an announcement that this or that person was the “Moshiach/Messiah” would have changed the world, in actuality he means that it was actually him that they almost announced or at least he “believes” they were about to announce as the “M.” I asked him if it was possible to meet one of these men who certain people claimed to be the “Moshiach,” and he replied that this person was impossible to talk to as “he was living on a farm with lambs,” and “didn’t talk with anyone.” Is this his way of speaking in code? Or is he consciously or unconsciously lying?

He might have lost himself by considering he was God for too long, like I mentioned in an early blog post. Thus he perhaps could be considered a “false prophet.” Multiple times he has blamed the “Kabbalists” for his ills. But, by calling him out, in essence, I would be fulfilling prophesy and “revealing myself.” Thus this is not an option for me. Could he be a “reflection” or “shadow” of mine? I must abide in, “Never reveal what you know,” for the time being.

Please don’t go.” After this dreamI prayed shortly afterwards with a message of thanks. I need to study more of Jung on his research of Reflections and Dreams. I may have to take a break from Joe to contemplate whether to move forward with him or not on our project. I need to finish Landscape of History and re-read the Astavakra. Now is perhaps the right time for it. David vs Goliath moments going on. I just don’t know which one I may be. By not identifying with either, I am “safe.”

The dream was like a “key” that I was able to use to understand the previous day and night fully. Once I started writing, the key unlocked more or less everything and in essence changed how I would act today and in the future.

Maybe… I made a decision to explore the ‘dream world’ in the past and now I am ‘here.’ This is in fact an “aspect of the dream world,” but it has played a trick on me and “masked itself” as “reality” full of order and “consecutiveness.” Thus, the whole world could fly into “chaos” “natural” “reality” very quickly. We will see.

My message to Joe may be, “Some ‘thing’ did bring us together. And some ‘thing’ wants us to split and some ‘thing’ wants to us stay together. Thus, under my programming and prerogative of the present moment, a pause or break is the best option.” Go against all instincts!

turning tables.jpg

Biography of an Unknown Man

May 8th, 2018 – Late night

We talked of advanced tech. How can we know if anyone is real unless we have seen them age and not taken our eyes off of them the whole time? What if there are androids covered as humans? A single-minded “collectiveness” and we are not aware of them? How can we possibly “win”?


Is this crazier than my other theories? What if only our own fear can kill us by our own hands? And throughout time they mastered how to impart this fear? But, overtime, through our own ability to write horror, which eventually led to horror films, we have in some way made ourselves immune to their ability to create fear within us? And also not being afraid of pain? Through years of mediation, and years of rough sports which caused unbelievable pain, what pain would I fear? What torture would I deserve?

Seems many people look at me these days. Is that because I’m so damned handsome? Lol, total joke. Or do they know me? If they know me, how? Is this the cruel joke? Is this a reality TV show that everyone is aware of except me? My family always tried to push me into reality television when I was younger and I adamantly refused. I have always detested the idea of fame. Is this a hell of my own making? Some act like they know me and some do not, thus I feel that maybe I am not the only one not in on the joke/lie.

I ask again, ‘Could we be somewhere other than Israel and not know it?’ Could the true Iranian revolution not have been Muslim, but Jewish? All past history must be challenged, if only from my specific perspective.

‘The spectrality of events,’ and ‘the degradation of objective reality,’ has led to ‘existential alienation.’

Google Humanism, Dos Passos, Henry Miller, John Calvin, Hermeticism.

Write a book or short story about a fake biography.

“Biography of an Unknown Man”

Start at the age of say 53 and go back to “birth.” At the age of one, the boy was dropped on his head, before that talk of all brothers and sisters ‘going’. At age of being dropped on head, starting with shouting, go back from age 1 to say age 111 in a different timeline, similar but not the same. ‘Appeared’ at 53, went to 1, then was reborn and lived in a different dimension than the one from the age of 53. Same body and family. If done right, could be fun to read and shocking.

  • 53 – Was ‘born’ from a self-inflicted gunshot wound. Depressed.
  • 52 – Had a big family. None of them cared for him. Owned a big company.
  • 51-2 – Etc.
  • 2 – Could only speak with hand signals.
  • 1 – Dropped on head before birth.
  • (Most people’s deaths happen at age of 0 when they are shoved up a small hole.)
  • New 2 – Was raised playing videogames. Programmed from re-inception.
  • 2 – 110 – Life of adventure. Perhaps bachelorhood.
  • 111 – New ‘appearance’ or ‘birth/death’ – No kids. First of his kind. Enjoyed exploration, fishing, uncovering lies and liars, pugilism, motorcycles, and sleeping. 162 years total!

Google Goenka’s story on ‘Swimology’!

‘Space, rolling and revolving between him and his native heath, possessed and wielded the powers we generally ascribe to time.’ ‘Space, like time, engenders forgetfulness, but it does so by setting us bodily free from our surroundings and giving us back our primitive, unattached state.’ Magic Mountain – Thomas Mann

Last night I dreamt of Robin Williams! I saw he was ‘there with me’. I could hear his voice perfect. I could see his movie roles perfect. He was young and sort of looked like his image of the mime in NYC, but without facepaint. He and David Carradine might have accidentally committed suicide or accidentally shown a ‘way out.’ I said a wish that if he was the genie in Aladdin, he would be freed. What a great man!

If I had to say who my favorite actor is or was, I just might say Robin Williams.

‘Good Morning Vietnam!’


A thought or theory is coming very clearly to me.

Write a story about how the Jews wanted for so long for the Moshiach, they waited until the end of the world, and when he still didn’t come, they created a false reality and built it for him to come then. The issue was that the Moshiach had either already came or never would as he was just an idea. The problem was the stubbornness of the Rabbinate or their inability to do anything but wait, when in actuality the present moment is all there is. A comedy.

Today I had a deep realization that perhaps the Jews of the past knew something important to be true. That a life without struggle, or conflict was not worth living. That God had commanded them to not find a homeland, and not to come to peace, and that if they did so this would actually be the end of their religion. For in the past, 99% of Jews were ‘Orthodox’ and were patient. When they became impatient, and tried to take control, and built their own homeland, it led them to their own dissolution because everyone became secular. A tragedy. Some might be happy with this outcome.

‘Moving forward’, Judaism will extinguish itself purely because it ‘took control’ and ‘built or rebuilt’ a homeland. This has led them to forget the necessity of constant struggle, separation which actually gives attachment to God, and full trust. A life without ‘peaceful’ struggle and something worth dying for, in this case their families or religion in hostile territory, leads to the point that they are at now. In a constant state of war fighting for something meaningless. This has led to the ‘secular-ness’ that Judaism has become. Do I share this? That this path will lead to the dissolution of their religion? Would they care?

If the sign of a strong society or ‘ethnicity’ is allowing oneself to die or dissolve, did they know this was the only way “they could end it” and they are in essence committing collective suicide? Are they going ‘backwards’ and their true start for the diaspora is ‘now’ and not in the ‘past’? In essence, if they wanted to survive, they should give up control of Israel, leave the country, disperse, and stop trying to control everything. That would show true power.

I would say when I was young, I trusted the mainstream news. As I got older, I didn’t trust the MSM, but I trusted ‘alternative news’. Then I didn’t trust any news at all, but only what I saw. Eventually, I didn’t even trust what I saw. Now, I just mingle. If anyone calls me anything, I laugh and say, ‘Am I the crazy one or are you?’

Those who are called are those who believe they could be the ‘Messiah’. Those who get to leave, have renounced, saying “I am not the one.” For “this world is not real,” and “I am no prophet.” But, “I would fight if it mattered.”

Last night coming back from the market bars, they were supposed to have a concert. Strange banners everywhere. Very “paganistic.” A huge wind came from nowhere. I have never felt such a wind in Israel. It washed away a lot of the banners and the concert did not go on.

As I came back, I remembered something about ‘opening my ears’ and ‘releasing the clogging.’ I was working on an idea of ‘pulling and pushing a sword from the stone,’ in my head.

Write a story about how some hostels have ghosts who stay in them ‘clothed’ as humans who never leave. People who come for short periods never notice them. The owners know but don’t care because they ‘pay’. In essence the ghosts steal the essence of the new guests to transfer into money for the owners. The story is about a guy who finds out, goes from hostel to hostel around ‘old cities’, cleanses the ghosts and hostels, somehow, perhaps in the dream world that connects the “guests” together. Like a warrior in the land of dreams. Working title is ‘G Hostel Busters’ or if said quickly ‘Ghostel Busters.’ 😉


Main character: A woman’s spirit in a man’s body with no desire to be more womanly or change genders. It is a study on transgender denial and accepting one’s born gender. Doesn’t need to be explicitly explained. Write it hidden in the text. “Best” of both worlds. Exploring transgender studies subtly. Strong message.

I might have found something worth fighting and maybe dying for. The dismantling of the spy state or normalization of mass surveillance, data collection and mining, cameras, listening devices, everything that it entails. This spy state has destroyed ‘trust’ between people. That is worth fighting against. ‘Get a hammer. Destroy a camera.’ Nice motto. ‘See a camera phone. Throw it in the lake.’

On the other hand, the move towards this state could just be saying that this is the reality anyways. “At least you know it now.” Thus even if this spy state was destroyed, we would still be stuck in this inherent system.

May 9th, 2018 – 8:00 am

Holy snap! What crazy dreams! The main one I remember is that I was selected to play a role on a theater production. I think in the Middle East. This was first time I have looked in a mirror and I was someone other than ‘who I normally look like.’ I was Kanye West! I told everyone I didn’t think it was right that as a white man I was supposed to act “black.” They agreed and I changed back to my normal look. To play the same role, sort of. I saw my old self circa 2006 or 2009, darker spiked hair. Then I saw or imagined my look now, in a nice suit, very different. I kept going over my lines, but a new dream started. Kanye!


2:00 PM

One thing that makes sense is that since I have an ‘open mind’, various entities are inserting ideas that could be completely false. So like adding connections that do not exist, etc. Contemplate more. Are we in a ‘more advanced’ time than the ‘past’ or is this just an illusion?

I moved hostels today as the last one I was staying in was getting to be a little overwhelming. Especially after someone took a direct picture of me in the hostel room at 8:00 am in the morning. I really am starting to get upset when people take pictures or video directly of me without asking my permission. I think it is extremely disrespectful.

I have been saying often that in some ways I feel it would be better to be in a prison, where I know that I am in prison, and what I can do is limited so I am not upset or feel I am not doing enough to “break free.” If I take this theory or conclusion further, ‘I’ may have already realized this and made this decision in the “past”, before coming “here.” Instead of being in ‘total freedom,’ which is in essence a bigger prison, I chose a more limited prison, which is this world. That would lead to the idea that any existence or ‘conscious awareness of existence’, is, in essence, prison.

‘Fight for your land, and accept death if need be, since death is a victory and a liberation of the soul.’ – Ancient Celtic tradition

Mors triumphalis – ‘triumphant death’, Valhalla: ‘from the palace of the chosen’, Mithra: ‘the Warrior who never sleeps.’

9:00 PM

Maybe get a drawing pad and start sketching buildings and sights.

On another note, what if this is reality? And some entity has invaded? The way this “entity” works is by implanting ideas like, ‘this is not reality’ into the minds of influential beings. In the process of this invasion they have taken control of certain groups of people or places and are continuing to ‘win’ the war through mind control and telepathy. This causes great confusion, weakening us to make us easy to subjugate and control. Because many people in the past have had the same idea, it shows how long these entities have been working on this program. Interesting.

Surely, one who is contemplating existence must cover all forms and theories. They must exhaust all options. Before any new proximity to a new certainty can exist.

What is life with no problems? Have the true problems just been hidden underneath waiting for someone to uncover them and bring light into the darkness? A world with no true problems is ‘Heaven.’ Is this what ‘Heaven’ has become? Invaded? Can I or someone else turn the tables?


What is a man? What is a human? A China man? Or a bland man?

What is a man who only fears God? The same as a man who puts full faith in God? Can a man so connected to God, ‘Win’ against all enemies of God?

Has this not always been the case? The great battle, the great race? One man with faith never stands alone, For it is not mine, nor your home. What is an Iron Dome? Or an Iron Curtain? What can pierce it? But a man who is certainly uncertain?

For call me what you like, It is not my fault, Or my calling, But I shall carry this flag, Falling, but unfailing.

As for me, my hand is held. No bombs, nor guns, nor hollow-point shells, Can stop a man who has made it through hell.

Let’s do this.


Doing time in Israel “Inside the Messiah Complex”

May 8th, ’18 – Tuesday afternoon – Jerusalem

Those who cannot do, teach. Those who cannot do or teach, study.

I am merely “riding the tiger” in the tourist trap that is this world, and this city.

jerusalem 2

1st rule of the Messiah Complex that is Israel: Never consider or call yourself the Messiah or Moshiach.
2nd rule is to claim, within, this is not real. Perhaps reality no longer exists, or it is currently beyond our senses.

3rd rule is there are no rules and we, as in I, don’t know shit.

4th rule is if someone does something you think is wrong or injust, challenge them. If it comes to it, fist fight. Either you get your face punched, or they will. Best thing that can happen is you or they will get knocked into or out of one’s senses. Essentially the same.

5th rule is fuck rules.

6th rule is if someone tries to video you or take your picture without asking permission, tell them to fuck off or a challenge will come. Highly disrespectful to take pictures without asking permission.

7th rule is the Jews of Israel acting like they have a democracy here when only Jews can become citizens is the same as the US thinking they can only have a democracy as long as only whites are the supra-majority of voters, or men. What a joke of a democracy. Democracy should be based on merit, not religion or color.

8th rule: I can only die by my own hand. I’ll wait for someone to prove me wrong.

I have been reading once again Julius Evola’s book “Ride the Tiger.” I will add some excerpts from this book and others verbatim of my written notes, perhaps adding bits and pieces of my own interpretations.

“The phrase ‘ride the tiger’ is a Far Eastern saying, expressing the idea that if one succeeds in riding a tiger, not only does one avoid having it leap on one, but if one can keep one’s seat and not fall off, one may eventually get the better of it.”


“Those who are interested may be reminded of a similar idea found in the schools of traditional wisdom, such as the “ox-herding” episodes of Japanese Zen; while in classical antiquity there is a parallel in the trials of Mithras, who lets himself be dragged by the bull and will not let go until the animal stops, where upon Mithras kills it.”

If there is anything ‘special’ in my blood, it may be that I came from a long lineage of bull-riders on both sides of my family. I never thought that it might mean something, but to me it does here. I like this analogy, for I surely feel I am on a wild bull. I could jump off, as maybe many before me have, or I could stay and see what happens. (My worst fear is that whether I stay on or jump off does not matter.) Is there a right or wrong ‘decision?’ Can I even make a decision or is this “ability to choose” a great lie?


I like to watch my own wounds heal. The sight of a scab forming, tearing off, reforming new skin… It makes me feel alive. I’ve never had such a deep wound to “heal on my own,” for I say “enough with doctors.”

“The texts that discuss the Kali Yuga and the Age of Kali also declare that the norms of life, valid during epochs in which divine forces were more or less alive and active, must be considered as cancelled in the final age. During the latter lives an essentially different human type who is incapable of following the ancient precepts.” I surely feel this way at the moment. I do not trust any precepts. All I want to do is fight and yet I will not start a fight. But I will keep making challenges until someone accepts and throws the first punch.

“Thus the principle to follow could be that of letting the forces and processes of this epoch take their own course, while keeping oneself firm and ready to intervene when “the tiger, which cannot leap on the person riding it, is tired of running.” “Resist not evil.” “One abandons direct action and retreats to a more internal position.” I am in this process of retreating, but it is not because I am weak. It is because I am in the process of bramycharya studying. I am in contemplation. What would be the point of me running away too far? Or retreating to the other side of the world? For the fight has been pushed upon me here, thus I shall hold my position until I am either relieved or figure out how to proceed.

“This is a struggle for the sake of modern man, that man who no longer has any roots in the sacred soil of tradition, wavering in search of himself between the peaks of civilizations and the abysses of barbarism, trying to find a satisfactory meaning for an existence completely left to itself.” – Robert Reiniger


“If God does not exist, everything is permitted.” – Dostoyevsky

“If God exists, nothing(ness) is permitted.”

Dostoyevsky makes Kirlov say that man invented God just to be able to go on living. Perhaps this is a possibility, but if one has experienced the “connection” to God through Faith, I would say this is also a fallacy. Sartre, “Even if God existed, nothing would change.” How does he know?

“Thus there are two phases: The first is a sort of metaphysical or moral rebellion. The second is the phase in which the very motives that had implicitly nourished that rebellion give way and dissolve. For a new type of man, they are empty. This is the nihilistic phase in the proper sense, whose chief theme is the sense of the absurdity, the pure irrationality of the human condition.”

“Only yesterday it was a matter of writers, painters, and ‘damned poets’ living on the edge, often alcoholics,  mingling their talents with the climate of existential dissolution and with irrational rebellion against established values.” Going further, “Rimbaud’s extreme form of rebellion was the renunciation of his own genius, poetic silence, and immersion in practical activity.” To me, this sounds like a great plan of action.

Lautreamont – “Received life like a wound, and forbid the suicide from cursing his injury.” I can relate to this greatly as well.

“Andre Breton declared that the simplest surrealist act would be to go out into the street and shoot passersby at random. They sought to attain the only possible meaning of existence, after rejecting suicide as the radical solution for the metaphysically abandoned individual.” Really identifying with the pessimism of these individuals.

In it’s current forms, the rebellion is a sheer, irrational movement “without a flag.” Should there be a flag carrier? Should the rebellion be picked up once again? How would this work? Is it pointless?

The American counterpart, the “hipster” and Beat generation showed “a destructive, voiceless rage,” as somebody put it, a contempt for “those incomprehensible characters who are capable of being seriously involved with a woman, a job, a cause.” – Podhoretz  Is it possible for me to ever be serious about any of these three again? Or is it a joke to try?

‘The organized insanity of the normal world.” or the “Organized sanity of the crazy world?” The books of Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsberg were inspired by this climate. “From the beginning it was never anything but chaos: It was fluid which enveloped me, which I breathed in through the gills.” – Henry Miller

“We are the ghosts of a war that we have not fought,” and “It seems to us that God has died of old age, and we exist without a goal.” by Paul van den Bosch in Les enfants de l’absurde. “We are not embittered;… We start from zero,” and “We were born among the ruins. When we were born, the gold was already turned into lead.”


Hi Ho Tiger! Only Fear is the Mind-Killer!

For what can a man do,
When another wants him dead?
Run, or hide, or build a wall,
Or hide in a rain shed?

For the rain will always come,
Unless we suck up all the clouds,
Maybe can pull a star,
Down into the cellar of cows?

For this man,
Has no fate,
For he sees nothing to wait,
God is not dead,
He is not late,
Just on a date,
Who can blame a man, who
Wants to rest with fate?

For, my rock is faith,
I do not see why a man would be killed,
Who only lived for living’s sake?
But, I leave this up to him,
Tov, ran away from Shem?
Why? Just to make him scared?
Okie dokie, hard to stop smoking.
Maybe I will try, but it’s sort of a joke, ni?

Blind houses,
House blind mouses,
That deaf cats cannot hear,
Have no fear,
The Blindhouse is near,
Where the Lions Lie with Deer.

“The Survival Rate for Everyone on a Long Enough Timeline is Zero”


Land of Idols
What have you become?
Just a room of listening devices,
A watching room watching one run?
Are you so boring that you have nothing to do?
Except watch, plan, and scheme?
Hoping for your own doom?
An all-seeing tooth,
Can see nothing at all,
When it’s mouth is closed,
What the hell is light yall?
How can you scare a man to death,
Who is already dead?
Yes, that is what I said.


So many dreams lately, I will start writing at least one per post:

Last night, I had a dream I was in a SUV, passenger side. Brother and a friend was in back seats. I did not recognize the driver. He was going in circles. Like a 30 yard by 30 yard square. There was trees in the yard and kids running around. At first he was going slow. Then he started to really pick up speed and I was really angry he would not stop. He was going so fast he either was hitting kids or not. I eventually opened the door and jumped out. Brother was still in back. Driver finally stopped the car and all I wanted to do was beat the shit out of him. Ran to the car, pulled the driver out with my brother and then I woke up.

More to come tomorrow…

If this is either “Heaven” or “Hell”, I am a Ronin

Continuing from last post…

May 2nd, 2018

Either this is “Heaven” or “Hell”. I don’t know. And I do not know if I can go back and forth. I need a motorcycle. More or less. To explore and push limits.

Could the people here control everything because everyone is not aware of truth?


Although I have been celibate for a while now, recently I can’t take my eyes off of women, but trying best not to approach. Drinking a lot. Looking for place to crash on Friday.

6:00 PM

I’m at a bar on beach for first time. I would bet this is a US embassy bar. And I would bet the US embassy staff know who I am, thus in essence I am “camping” this place out. I want to figure out who can read my future and how. How they do it. How to stop it. I see the past as future and future as past. Is it from my writing? Do I need a tin-aluminum foil hat? Is it impossible to stop? Why so many lies?

Uncovering lies and exploring can give meaning in life.

One theory may be that the “two sides,” if there are two, is “forward-thinkers” and “backwards-thinkers.” I don’t know. Maybe.

What is point of life? If I’m alone or solipsistic? To enslave me? How can I break out? Through patience?

Also been eating unhealthy as can be. As I truly don’t give a fuck anymore. Funny actually.

If forward and backward thinking is equal, I have a right to exist. And yet I question if I exist. I see this time as existing before and somehow I have been “thrown in.”

If I am singularly unaware, am I making the rest of the population miserable? What would be the point of “limited consciousness?” If they are the victimizer, and I am the victim, I forgive them. If I am somehow the unaware victimizer, and they are the victims, can they ever forgive me?

Present moment may be all there is. IDK!

Two questions:

  1. Did someone try and get me to kill myself? Again?
  2. Why can’t I smoke?

Reread “The Landscape of History.”

Possible timeline:

  1. Book flight home – Look at flights.
  2. Find room until then – Call Old Jaffa.
  3. Print out F’s book.
  4. Go talk with advisors M and E? Or ask to setup meeting before?
  5. Try and sell bike or leave it as is?
  6. Look up Anita in Sarona.
  7. Go home, work to buy motorcycle, pay off debts, find literary agent. Buy typewriter, rather than computer.
  8. Write Runaway series for older adults or elderly people. Don’t go easily. Meditate and runaway. Die used up. Die an “orphan” away from family.
  9. Write a “Pokemon Go”-like series where some people are buried alive. People find them on apps and digg them up to free them.
  10. Write a fiction epic. Forwards and backwards. Up and down. Black hole sucking all in!
  11. Write a series only for brail-readers as a giant f.u. to non-brail-readers and to encourage brail reading. Buy brail typewriter if possible.

Give blood if possible. Grab package.

May 3rd, 2018

This morning woke up at 3:45. Stayed up until 4:25. Not until sunrise. Try sunrise tomorrow.

Everyone is completely silent today.

When I text her, N, she texts instantly back. What’s up with that? Crazy not a single place opened to stay at this weekend in Tel Aviv.

“The Lord suffers for the sins of His true devotees only who are really serving the Lord in practice by doing Karma Sanyasa (Sacrifice of Work) and Karma Phala Tyaga (Sacrifice on the fruit of the work) in His mission, without aspiring anything in return. In such service even one iota of desire should not be present, even in any biological cell of the human being. This is called Nishkama Karma yoga, as emphasized in Gita.”

Hummus. Humans?

Work on stopping thoughts of violence.

Gattis notes: Is he trying to say what I’m experiencing has already happened, and in some way I am documenting it but can if I choose to play a role in changing the course as well? That is, in this world?

May 5th, 18 – Cinco De Mayo

Met someone nice, or multiple people, today. Still feel like I’m doing something wrong. Two girls from China. One from England/France. Going to have a drink later.

Basket for bike. Tie down. Extension on front? Two mini-locks. Tarp?

How still can you stay?

“Practice reading on stomach. Falling asleep. Waking up and repeating.”

Maybe “ascending” and “descending” has something to do with sleep levels.

“A true vision comes to you the right way. The understanding came before the vision – that’s why I was asking those questions. The meaning is there and then your brain supplies the pictures that let you understand it. That’s the way the O talks to us…” – From “The Memory of Earth” by Card

From my conversation last night:

  • “I have found fear only because I have stopped thinking in the existence of absolute truths.”
  • My greatest fear is perhaps the inability to think or create “original thought,” that there is no such thing as spontaneous original thought.
  • Talked a lot about how “I felt I was not supposed to be here,” thus I was attempting to leave no trace or imprint.
  • Also about “double intuition/suggestions” or intuition coming from God and the Word being used by alternate entities or man to suggest and control me, which inevitably forces me to rebel against both as I cannot distinguish between the two. “If I get a whiff of someone wanting me to do something I have started doing the opposite or nothing at all.”
  • Lastly, talked of “coping mechanisms”, waiting on either a destination to be reached or a “return of the Father/Mother,” or in my case, someone that I considered to be “wiser” or “smarter” than me, or someone who could convince me of anything at this point. Questioning a lot if there is a destination, what I can do to escape, physically or spiritually. Or if there is no possibility of escape.

5:00 PM

I feel a new sense of clarity in Jerusalem. It is like a city of comforting women, and perhaps restless ghosts.

May 6th, 18 – Morning

After she left my dreams turned scary. Only men left in the hostel and lots of them. Dreams of zombies, lots, running and biting. Jumped on a schoolhouse. Climbed my way up. They eventually “got to me”, but I started to laugh when they acted like they could hurt me.

Next dream or previous was me settling down with a girl who I got pregnant. It was going back and forth between an old girlfriend and another who I did not know.

Next dream was my grandfather gave me his old truck, but it didn’t work well. Couldn’t touch the pedals. My brother was with me. Then I was with whole family and we went to meet someone and they tried to drop a lawsuit paper or huge stack of documents on us. But, we all got in his truck and ran before they could finish. Very vivid. And I am hungover for first time in a while. Altitude?

For some reason, never think to find a weapon in dreams to fight monsters. If possible, grab one. (Next day I was given a sword with a wooden sheath in my dream by an unknown figure.)

10:00 am

I attended church service this morning at the Lutheran church of the Redeemer. Was a very nice service. Very humbling. Can give meaning, support, etc. Very therapeutic. Feel some of my aggression passing. Having breakfast now, also found another place to stay at the H Hostel. I asked Jesus to help me quit smoking (not working so far.)

Probably move tomorrow. To fully study and explore Jerusalem I feel I will need at least 1-2 weeks. 45 shekels per night is pretty reasonable. Hard to beat in Israel. My plan for today is to walk around Muslim quarter, exit Lion gate, see if possible to go to Temple Mount, walk around Old City and eventually see Siloam pool. Then go back to hostel to study and rest.

Google: Raveler, Hamurabbi, Copts, Sojourner, notables, and Consilence.

On another note, I am losing my hearing at the moment, and the university canceled my healthcare for no reason. Should I be mad? In essence I am becoming deaf, but I am not really upset as maybe it makes me less suggestible? Fuck all.

May 7th, 18

Been a chill day. In the book I am reading, prayer is self-mutilation. That would make sense with my last month. Fucked myself up real good/bad.

Few questions: Who is aware that we are in a “false reality/Matrix/videogame?” Are there collectives combined by telepathy, single-mindedness who are aware? Are some aware and some are not? What is the point?

Do I care if I lose my hearing? Am I losing it because of a lack of “service”? Do I care as it is also a form of protest?


Go to Muslim clinic tomorrow as it is cheaper.

Should I try and make an aluminum foil inset to my hat tomorrow or is that stupid and worthless?

I feel I am always being watched. Maybe I just need to find a place to just be as boring as fuck and that is how I “get out.”

At least my foot wound/crevice is finally healing.

And it is cool in Jerusalem, almost cold.

What if there are “tons of realities” like the one I am in? Does this help at all? What if reality no longer exists? How was this world created? Must there have been a reality before?

Just seems like an evil videogame where the creators and players have no moral care for the characters within the game. Sad, but true. Maybe spend another few days or so exploring Jerusalem, try to get bike fixed, only take absolutely necessary things and explore West Bank on bike?

Read Bloch’s “The Historian’s Craft”. Read Hawking’s “A Brief History of Time”

If our present moment is a result of the karma of our future, but we see it going “backwards” or “forwards”, must we continue to create and serve or just accept? Is this close?

I like thinking that God “took a break” from the world and left it in someone’s hands and that is how it got to this point. So in some way I am waiting for him to return and make it right.

I also abide in “I am not the one” and “I am no person that has been prophesied.” Believing this in the past has led me to this time.

Dearest Lord,

In a world that lacks meaning or absolute truth, it is up to anyone who can think individually to build individual meaning, and to perhaps develop temporary happiness and truth. If one does not know “how to escape,” either by physical death or spiritual death through yoga and meditation, one must continue to put faith in an unseen force that some, including I, call the Lord. For I do not know what to do, who to trust, who I am, what the true date is, or my true location. Indeed it is a sad time, but I continue to put faith in a power beyond me. I ask God, as well as his sons’ including Jesus, to bring me some sort of peace, salvation, and deliverance. For even I do not know what I want, whether that be life or death, eternal or temporary. I am like a lost ship, not knowing if “dry land” or a “harbor” exists. I have lost my anchor, but know that I am still “floating” and this is “ok” for now. Thank you for your guidance, support, and unconditional love.



Sight, hearing, breathing, taste. All holes have their opposites. Some stop us thinking. Go big or go home. This is Sparta. Battleship sunk.

I would love to learn how to build or rebuild engines. Fix motorcycles and cars. That would be fun. I just want to be simple. Learn a new craft that is fun, etc.

I would like to bike the US. Make an engine that is loud, but gets good mileage. Maybe create a “push button tent.”

Battling a “Messiah complex” is not easy. K’s father had to do the same.

Start a new blog. WordPress.

No pictures. Simple. No way to identify me. Good idea. Name?

A New Anchor?

Anchor in the Sky?


Trapped Like a Rat with an Anchor in the Sky

For the first post, I will copy my notebook diary from past 7 days verbatim.


I would like to start off with the fact that I do not know who I am, I do not know what I want to do, I do not know whom to trust, I do not know what the true date is, or what my true location is. With that said, please do not enjoy.

“Go big or go home.”

“Make it hard to spot the general by working like a soldier.” Buy a compass. “All children but one grow up,” Barrie said. “For growing up is the beginning of the end.” “Maybe the end of the beginning.” Neverland is, “second to the right, straight until morning.” This book suggests Neverland is a small island, reachable by flight. Also my belief.

Time heals all wounds.

May 1st,  ’18 – Someone’s Birthday

I celebrate by looking to challenge someone to a fight. Who have I become?

“More or less if one sees oneself as God for too long, one can lose touch with reality or one’s true self. It almost happened to me one time, or maybe it did happen. My mother saved me though and I didn’t go fully that way, or maybe I did… My point is that everyday I have to realize “I am not God” to find my true self and to have “God” release him or herself from controlling me.”

Research – Africans’ thoughts on losing oneself or one’s shadow or one’s soul.

Was I in Kurdistan? Could Haifa be Istanbul?

When I spoke to Tom, “Was I speaking about what I had been through or about to go through?” Should I just stop my search now? Huge.

“They shall (not) make a temple for me and I shall (not) dwell among them.”  My constant goal is to break prophecy if it seems that I am falling into it.

The basis of a torah life is “inaction.”

Homemade compass – (Magnet, piece of cork, needle, water, non-magnetic bowl) 1. Rub magnet on needle. 2. Pour water in bowl. 3. Put needle in cork. 4. Let it spin to point. 5. Test with real compass.

Is Ibn Gabriol square “Jerusalem”? What is underground?

Just continue to explore “Tel Aviv” fully. Should answer all questions. Look for Maccabi.

Research Neverland – Never Neverland – “Netherlands.”

Remember I never came to Israel until after the “accident.” A could be fake here. IDK.

“Lost Boys eventually grew up and have to leave. Fairies typically have short life spans.”

Holy smokes look at islands in S.A. map! Artificial!

I’m not Peter Pan, I’m Captain Hook, or neither. Lost Boys use hybrid wind surfer/skateboard tracks. Mermaids use a giant clam shell pulley. Like inner earth. Home underground, underneath the new home of Lost Boys. Sarona?

Maybe I am a fairy.

Observe and consciously choose gam…

Groundhog Day movie – trapped for 8 years, 8 months, and 16 days. 6 more weeks of winter. 42 days.

Don’t look for Sid. Is he my shadow? Maybe already went through 42 days? Is Nom my shadow?

Look under Ibn Gabriol. King George St. – Jaffa Rd. intersection. Research squatting rules.

Everyone can see my future is what is fucked up. Sid and Yan = Jerusalem excavations and getting sun and “dat ass.” WTF. Or maybe it is the other way around?

Should I use super glue on cut?

I need to find and make a home base near water and trees and close to campus.

How can I stop people from seeing my future? Can everyone? Bike? WTF. Playhouse? So weird.

Maybe they can only see “one day ahead?” Find a place to stay, then do 10 day gastro cleanse.

Tomorrow is another special birthday.

Call and practice more of conscious eating and chewing gum.

Good day all around.

Tomorrow explore new housing options.

Woke up at 3:45 am, what is significance of 3:58? Got lots of texts then. Watched sunset (moonset at 5:35. It pretty much was full and just “vanished” behind some clouds.) And now back.

May 2nd, 2018

Just had a dream where I was in the staircase of my home in the USA on my street. Somehow I scraped the wallpaper off and I “recognized” that it was my “true home” and was different. I looked up and then awoke.

Going to shave again today. Today has been different all around. More real. My face looks different. Maybe has something to do with sleep schedule?

There is a realness or lucidity to my sight and feeling within.

What is behind the closed door in our room?


Found 500 shekels ($175) floating in the wind on a street today. Thought of taking it. Turned it into a local police station nearby. If no one claims in 6 months, they will send it to me. Too much money to keep. I offered to give it to the police station if no one took.

Tomorrow check out book that professor had us read. On cartography.

I feel there is something that “I do” even if I am not aware of it. Somehow I feel I “cleanse.”

I do believe the world can be seen “front” and “back”. And maybe some can see very far or very short. But there must be a “victor” of prophecy.

I see Israel and the Middle East as a “hidden realm.” It is not as it seems. Maybe North America is like a “corrupted heaven,” invaded by people from Hell. Or it could be visa versa.

I’ve never seen anything bad happen here.

Either this is “Heaven” or “Hell.”

Continued next post…