If You Are Going Through Hell, Keep Going

May 18th, 2018 1:15 PM – Old City

Gotta warn you ahead of time, this post if pretty crazy and probably not worth reading. 😉


Well, I broke my fast, but important realizations came flooding in soon after. People might hate this theory, but I think there is some chance this world might be “Hell” actually. The same “entity” I have spoken about previously has tried to trap us here by “trying to make peace”, but this world must constantly be at war to some extent to “free” the souls here to go back to Earth or to Heaven. This is a new part of the “grand theory.”

Only through war and “continuing war” to balance the world, do souls actually “get to return”; we must fight our way back to Heaven or “retirement.” All the religions have done for the past century or so is to attempt to “pacify” the population, that is why our population is increasing so rapidly as well… Literally Hell is filling up. Most people would never want to consider this, but none of us know what we have done or not done in our past lives to get here. Furthermore, I have always believed Hell existed, but it was not eternal. These two theories work well together.


I now have a ticket back to the U.S. on May 29th at 5:00 am, so I must be back in Tel Aviv on the night of the 28th or take the bus to Ben Gurion airport the night of the 28th.

I will continue on a modified Ramadan. I can eat from 7:35 pm until 4:00 AM and also lunch time. I will also drink after 8 pm if I feel like it. Buy: Filters, red peppers, cilantro, small red cabbage, one grapefruit. For breakfast: Eggs and toast.

Write a treatment for a book that reversed how our society works. People are in “retirement” when they are young until the age of 30 or 35 and then they work until they get old or die. This makes more sense to me where people use their “best years” free and then when they do find what they like they settle down and get to work. Furthermore, the happiest old people I have seen in the world are the one’s who work until they are “old, old”, which gives them continuous meaning in life.

Also write a treatment how Jerusalem changes hands every year or every five years between Judaism, Islam, and Christianity.

Write a treatment where the Earth in it’s current state is hell and only through martyrdom do we return to Heaven.

The beauty of fiction is you don’t have to prove anything. It is the definition of “speculative history.”

Write a treatment of how one man with no political control starts the next true world war. World War 1 and 2 were trivial compared to true world war, which has more or less existed in some form since time began. Write how people live in time of total war. Collectivized individuals. Natural hierarchy. Based on competence, as it always was. New alliances being formed of small groups across the world. More or less all world military will dissolve in the next war as the economy will not be able to continue as it is as fake as fake can be. It will be platoon versus platoon, etc.

Start a writer’s collective at home. Collection of writers. People can either share ideas and help other’s publish or write together and publish under a single name. Start a new radio station.

May 19th, 2018 – 4:20 AM

In whatever way that we start to become conscious of the “dream world”, whether it be taking control or just observing and recording, the dream world will seep or mesh into our “waking state”. Even small changes of our waking state that come from the dream world brings the two worlds together. It brings perhaps some balance between the conscious, unconscious, and subconscious aspects of the mind just to observe dreams.

Meditation notes: Move into the future, which is closer to the present.

On another note, just learned Avicci died last month. Super sad. Like his song, “Wake me up when it’s all over…”

In the middle of the night something very creepy almost happened. How can I explain it? Have you ever noticed that when you sleep next to someone, sometimes in the middle of the night you just wake up touching or kissing them and at no point did you “consciously” try to do this at all? Perhaps married couples just consider this normal. It has happened to me in the past and it almost happened to me last night.

I am sleeping on the roof on a foam mattress on the floor and lots of times I will go to sleep and I will wake up and there are new people sleeping in close proximity to me, thus I try to put space in between me and other people but it is not always possible. My bed has been in the same corner the entire time. This random girl placed her bed about a foot or two from mine last night. We never met. More or less, this “automatic” “sleeping” “hooking up” process started to occur and I literally “woke up” and caught my unaware unconscious “sleeping state” trying to move towards her and making a move. My hand was reaching towards her and somehow I woke up and stopped myself. If it would have moved even another 6 inches or so, this girl would probably have woken up and screamed, everyone would be like WTF, and it would have been on videotape. How could I explain that this “unconscious” process occurred and who would believe me? Thank you Lord this didn’t happen. So crazy. Had to write this one down. What or who makes us do this in our sleep? (More or less in the future, I have to make sure and not sleep around anyone unless it is “OK” to hook up.)

7:00 AM

Just had a scary dream that my father was in. Rarely he is in my dreams. First, I was working at some computer job, maybe at a bank, and I believe I was fired. I had to come back to the company to gather my things, and I saw the whole family of a man who works for my grandfather, DC. They came and shook my hand and we had a conversation, then I was somewhere like an old basketball stadium like the movie Hoosier‘s. There was my dad, who looked just like he does now and he had a silly orange and white stripped dress shirt and I was making fun of him for it, but then I noticed others had orange shirts as well. I had a baby son that I was introducing him to and we were watching the game. All of a sudden I couldn’t see. It was like I went blind in my dream. Right afterwards, I could tell that my dad had stopped breathing holding my son. I couldn’t see him, but I moved the baby, and I started pushing on his chest even though he was sitting in his chair. I was yelling for a doctor and finally I was able to open my eyes and see him and before I could feel him come back to life and grab my arms, his eyes were open sort of “poppin’ out” a little bit the same way he does in real life when he is making a funny face. Then I woke up. Not for sure what this means, but it for sure makes me look forward to seeing him again, which if all goes to plan, I will shortly. Enshallah.

(I noticed that I wrote another dream with my Dad in it on May 2nd – “Dreaming about Dad trying to pull a big trailer to pick up hay, and he fucked up huge and pulled up the whole fence. What does this mean? His debt is on me? Am I the fence? What should I do? Go home? I sort of want to go now.”)

On another note, I can’t wait to get a new TRX suspension training regimen going. Like I know I learned a lot in past ten months, but this way to workout and train may go down as one of the most valuable. I could probably build a whole “gym” above the barn. That would be great.  Look for a gym or build one and get them all doing it.

3:00 PM

How could systematically all weapons be destroyed?

Whereas authors such as Evola had a bit of a “head start” and were born into a realm that still encompassed some traditional virtues, I have had to “claw my way” to this point only at the grace of God.

Must read: The Decline of the West by Oswald Spengler. The Crisis of the Modern World by Rene Guenon and The Myth of the 20th Century by Alfred Rosenberg.

Be unpredictable as much as possible.

I wear my heart of my sleeve. Ganesha?


A lot of people act like sheep in a Wolf’s clothing. Bring it.

If I’m going to do anything, I must start publishing books. By myself if need by.

If a war is coming, I rather join or volunteer before it begins and the draft comes. I would not mind joining the military, but what would that do except sign away all of my rights? A military that is made up of a mixture of the castes is really no military at all. It can be less than worthless in total war. A smaller military that is made up primarily or totally of warriors can defeat a military compromised of non-warriors leading warriors.

Whether I want to believe it or not, I have been led to where I am by Evola. He is my current spiritual predecessor.

If I believe our karma comes from the future, I am always doing something correct. As I am “generally happy” and “continually seeking,” thus maybe I have done something “good” or “correct” in the future. What if dharma comes from the “past” (spiritual stability) and karma comes from the “future”? Interesting concept.

If I am doing anything, I am merely trying to “balance” the world and create what I would say is “real happiness” and not “manufactured happiness.” That is pretty much it.

If anything what Trump represented for the U.S. is that we almost fail fully into the 4th caste of the “masses” that Evola spoke so clearly about, such as Russia in the 20th century. Trump was more or less a “saving grace” in that we are back to being led by the “merchant caste”, but that gives us opportunity to being led in the future by the “warrior/spiritual” caste. Obama represented the “4th caste” and Clinton would have continued this spiral. In actuality, Trump can be seen as a warrior in his own right. He may have been a warrior (or is a warrior at heart) if he was not pushed into the merchant caste, like I was growing up. That is why the world is scared of him. He instills leadership into the White House and others.

Is it true that members of the warrior caste can only be killed in battle or at their own hand? This would explain Putin and Trump, etc.

One must only ask “is the world happy” or “going in the right direction?” This can only be answered by one with a certain “moral turpitude”, not by all, for most see from a very small point of view.

We have a long road ahead of us. A long one. But that road cannot be taken without the first steps. If I am eventually hated, or persecuted, I will feel I am doing something right. What is the point of wanting to be loved by everyone? It is impossible in the first place.

Although I did not join the military, I have fought my whole life to come to my current understanding. I have thrown myself individually into “spiritual wars” around the world. And I am still standing. Although I have no medals, I feel I have won something much deeper. Sometimes we must start from the bottom to one day reach the top. Should that stop us from ascending?


The editor of a magazine has the final say of what is printed. Why is this different from anything else? Start a “radio station/writing collective”. Have the last say. “I choose who enters, I choose who leaves.” Sorry if you disagree. Dad’s office would be a perfect place. Papa’s building would be a natural place to move to.

I imagine that there are “doers” and “creators” in this world. But there are also “observers” from other worlds. They come and merely observe. They don’t have the possibility to “do” or “create” or “destroy”. They are bored with their own realm or dimension and come her to witness. To all these observers, and witnesses, who have come just to watch, I give a resounding “fuck off,” and “work on your own turf.” For I do not know if this is my home, but if it is I will not let it fall into further disarray.

For I do and do not consider this world my home, for I have been born in one place, but traveled to many, and I challenge anyone who has traveled or seen more than me. I will ask again, “Is this a happy world?”, they may answer yes, but my answer is continuously no.

I will ask the question to many, “Are you persecuted?” If not, I will ask, “Why? “Because you are comfortable? Comfortable with your own position? Do you know who you are or what you are here for?”

Ultimately perhaps the best path is succession from the USA. California and Texas would be great starts. The US should break apart. Perhaps a “Confederate Oklahoma,” and that could lead to many surrounding counties joining in. Crazy thoughts, but we would be protected under the constitution. Study more fully the idea of “succession” in the USA. Why not?

When politics dominates headlines world-wide 24/7, we may have reaching a turning point.

Write my ideas about “being homeless,” and how it has it’s own virtues, metaphysics, and meaning.

A lot of the book reviews I have been reading seem to support some sort of “central supreme leader”, usually who has earned his or her way there, but how can we be sure if this is “good” when most people are prone to “fits of rage” or going on somewhat “crazy streaks” even for short periods of time. Does consistent war leadership “on the battlefield” automatically make one “more stable” and less prone to fits or “wildness”? Perhaps.

May 20th, 2018 – 10:00 AM

Went to church again for third time in a row at the Lutheran’s Redeemer. My buddy Logan left yesterday. Had quite a few beers yesterday reading and writing. I think maybe Ramadan has maybe been “sucking up all my water” and thus I was more affected by the alcohol. I’ve cooked dinner every night past 5 nights for between 4-5 random people and friends. Great fun.

Going to write and send three postcards to family members.

8:00 PM – Explain how to play the “Story Game” next post.

The Dog was a Traitor, because he wore Underwear. He was Quiet with his Xacto knife. Zelda was a Retarded Cat, but was also Indigo and Super. Kya and Nancy were competing to be the Mother of a Violet Edward, but Forgot that the Bunny was Wonderful and in Love with Papa the Aardvark. The Goat Jew ate Yogurt and an Orange on Hot days.

Goin’ home,
Where is home?
When we are all in a dome?
How to escape?
To the true home?
Do we wait?
Or do we go through a new gate?

May 21st, 2018 – 3:00 AM

dragon 2

Big dream. Here we go. I was in a dream where I met a woman and I had to protect her. I think it was one of my deepest loves, L. She was human, but could also become a dragon. I could as well. While in human form we were together and had to go into a cave together because her father who was in dragon form was trying to get her. We were there and he was trying to kill us in human form by spewing fire into the cave. We survived however.

I am forgetting a lot of things, but more or less we went to a castle and her father was there. he was talking how L was a French dragon and thus was very fast. Long conversation where we were “testing each other.” Eventually I knew he was the dragon that was trying to kill us, and I knew he had “parked” his dragon form somewhere like a vehicle in a video-game. I told her to wait for me and I “transported” into my dragon to go kill his. Then I woke. Pretty wild.

dragon white

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