Tag: Mental Disorder

This American Gulag

My emotions and moods are like the waves and tides of the ocean.

Where is the moon that controls my motion?

April 16th, 2021 (Present day)

It has been a little over a year since my last post so I thought I would go over my notes and find some tidbits that I would like to pass on. This is a collection of my digital notes from the past year. In posting these, I realize I may never become famous, or make any money, but I may help scientists of “madness”, bi-polar disorder, schizophrenia, or other mental disorders gain a better understanding of how people like me think. Overall, the year was quite stable. In January and February of 2021 I went through a manic episode that was quite “fun” and challenging, but through new medications and therapy I didn’t “crash” like I did in March of 2020. And so it begins.

April 27th, 2020

Perhaps creating original thought brings us further from the present moment which causes destruction. Breath and find present moment again. Meditate, look for present moment, don’t react. Fall asleep. Awake anew.

May 10th, 2020

What I have been missing is momentum. Or I build it, but cannot control it, thus I lose my momentum. If I can build it and control it, then that is when things happen.

May 16th, 2020

Oh could it be,

That since I cannot see,

A future for myself.

That my time is short,

I don’t have much longer to stay,

What will the people say?

Will they say I was happay?

Who knows.

Maybe my future grows.

May 30th, 2020

Many a man would give everything they had to have what I have and yet how can I still be unhappy? Depression.

Find what is worth doing and put effort into it. 

Original thinking is just thoughts that you haven’t heard before. Subjective to each person.

September 3rd, 2020

It all boils down to I have to find some form of medication that actually works so that I can continue my life with Angela. She is too special and too sweet a gift to give up without a great fight. That’s my final decision.

September 8th, 2020

The thought of you, of us,

Together, as one, then separated,

Makes me feel as if I would lose a part of who I am.

How can there be any greater pain?

My heart will ache, 

My love hurts, myself.

Can’t find a journal to write in so I will try to write my feelings here.

I am so desperately love sick it is crazy. In whatever multiple ways that means. I am head over heels in love with Angela and yet I know that I am about to lose her. I have been so weak, so full of self-pity, so lacking that I cannot be upset with her. In a way I have tried to sabotage our relationship so we would eventually break up. That was mostly unconscious though. 

If I cannot be happy with her I don’t think I can be happy with anyone. Thus a bachelor’s life may be my eternal future. I have gotten to such a point that I feel Angela and I are one, and unified, but it is not necessarily in a healthy way at the moment. She allows me to be too free and is not assertive in what she desires from me. I know that I have been less delusional the past six months, but my depression has reached such extremes that I know I bring us both down. 

I told her last night that my greatest fear was having to break up to become sober to come out of my depression. The problem is that I love her so deeply and desperately.  She literally has so many men after her it is like a pack of hungry sharks. As soon as I am out of the picture I fear they are going to tear her up. I told Angela all of this.

I told her how I was sorry if I was acting more possessive recently. Like I wanted her all to myself. It is not a good trait to have or see in oneself. 

All in all I fear I am about to go through the hardest breakup of my life, mostly because she will still be there in and around my life, living in Siloam. I will look like the idiot and loser who couldn’t hold her down, not the other way around. She bent over backwards and gave me so much of herself and supported me through the tough times. I was not able to reciprocate as fully. My lack of getting a worthy job has been one of the greatest wedges between us. It is one of the greatest causes of my depression as well. We talked a lot about this last night and she was giving me advice on what course of action she thought I needed to take. 

Just picturing her with someone else or an image of her with someone else makes me sick. She is so pure to me, even if she says she is not. I will always wonder what this means. Does she lie to me? That is the question I may never know. 

All I know is that if we do fully breakup I am going to have to go into an austere, addiction free, psychiatric way of life and she is gonna be partying and going through sharks. Not something to look forward to at all. 

Makes me not want to live at all sometimes. I hope that I can overcome it.

One way or another I must get back to the traveling life. A backpack, a random place, a job, a life, an adventure. Maybe one day we will meet again, but I truly don’t know. She is so loyal that if she finds a good man I will probably never get another chance. Perhaps I deserve to have my heart broken. As a new form of pain that cuts deep.

Greatest thing that happened with Angela is that she helped me to break free of my delusions but couldn’t help me come out of depression. Lifestyles must be similar.

Attachment is the source of all suffering.

Later… Good people are so far and few between. If you find a good person to be with, don’t give up.

Four most important things: get meds, get a job, fix house, save relationship with Angela.

September 11th, 2020

There a million fish in the sea, 

but only one for me. 

Let it be! 

Let it be! 

Why would I trade a dime for a penny?  

Can’t buy love,

Can’t ya see? 

I think the beauty of love is when two people may be desirable to others, but they commit to giving themselves only to the other person. It’s a uniqueness that one gets. Worth more than gold.

September 12th, 2020

The only direction you can coast is down hill.

Every time I do something with Angela some part of me feels like it could be the last time. So I appreciate it and her more. We have had some good talks recently. Communicating well. We talk a lot about how there is an abundance of single willing men who are around town and not females and so their is an imbalance of men who hit on her to woman who hit on me. To find more of a balance might be beneficial for our relationship. 

Life is a constant battle for me between being happy or having fun. The more “fun I have” it seems the less “naturally” happy that I am overtime. Does anyone else experience this? 

Note to self: Whatever you do in life, don’t lose your confidence. If you are losing your confidence do something to bring it back. Start something new. If you failed at one thing, get back up on your horse and try something new. Not about how many times I fall but how many times I keep getting back up. Keep on pushin.

For a relationship to succeed there must be a balance of “success” between the individuals. If one continues to succeed and the other falls behind it will oftentimes terminate a relationship. As long as support and encouragement comes and success is found in new paths the relationship can succeed indefinitely. 

Limit meat, alcohol, coffee, weed. Workout. Do something that challenges you in life. It is good to feel challenged and uncomfortable.

The only way to do what I want it seems is to work with these therapists and psych doctors to figure out some form of medication which allows me to be consistent, in what I want and my overall mental health and happiness. I hate being dependent on anything, but something has to give. I find myself basing much of my “happiness” with being with Angela and this to me can’t be good over the long term. 

Do something you know. I know sports and history. I just don’t know how to coach or teach it yet. But I can learn. If I have the passion for it, it will come naturally. I have always been in awe of the respect my grandpa’s students have for him from when they were in school. The impact he made on so many people’s lives is huge. I want to to experience something like that. I have to just be confident that if I follow the right path, that experience will come and be fulfilling to the point that I am looking for. I have to make a decision and stick to it. With or without Angela. I am doing this mostly for her and our relationship, but I also see its equally important if something ends up happening to us. 

Life is hard. Suck it up.

September 25th, 2020

Life is made up of “simple-minded” and “high-minded” people. Neither is necessarily better or worse than the other. A high-minded person can not be happy unless they are using their skills to think high-mindedly. 

Life is also full of times that one is single and times that one is in a relationship. Neither are necessarily better or worse. If we don’t go through periods of being single, we won’t appreciate the times of being in a relationship and visa versa.


My path is the path of Lincoln. I’ve finally found someone who shared my difficulties, in some way, who I can relate to, and can see my future being in his steps. I’m lucky to have found the book Lincoln’s Melancholy and after just a few chapters it gave me great joy and pleasure to know that I have not been alone in a pursuit perhaps of which I did not know, just as he did not always know his pursuit which was to end slavery for good. I too want to end slavery, but slavery in a deeper way. The slavery of his time was physical. The slavery of our time is spiritual, mental, and cultural. We have all become slaves in some way and we cannot see our chains nor our wardens. We must see both to come out of our contemporary slavery. I aim to do this.

Just as Lincoln experimented with ways to live through his melancholic sadness, I too shall experiment with ways to live through mine. To move forward. To go for a goal of which I cannot see. Could there be a greater death than Lincoln’s? Or life? 

I have begun a new chapter in life. I can see there may be a way out. A positive way for myself and all involved. Will be tough but I may have found a weapon for my fight. Thank you to all the people and things who gave me a shot. The doctors, the therapists, the psychiatrists, the pharmaceutical companies, and the pharmacists. American ingenuity at it’s best. We shall see.

America shall win again.

Just because I have not followed the exact path of Lincoln up until this point does not mean my life cannot go in a similar direction from when he was my age. I wish to teach and participate in politics in some way one day.

Flip the switch,

That’s the Manic.

Like two people,

Jeckle and the Hanic.

How did we perfect the switch,

Our scientists! 

You fools!

You created the perfect flip!

October 31st, 2020

Never forget your dreams. You are a spiritual warrior of the highest rank. You have a built in morality that will not change as you age. Wherever you go, you notice what is wrong immediately. This makes it very hard for you to live and succeed because the world is a fucked up place. Not many of your kind have survived as long as you. Keep on surviving. Keep on listening to your dreams which know more about you than other people or yourself.

Stay alive you warrior you.

(Also the day I asked Angela to marry me 😉 )

November 3rd, 2020

I feel like Angela doesn’t really love me anymore. She is just biding her time until I fuck up again.

Wait until you get your teeth worked on to see if you feel different. If you have gingivitis or other teeth related issues it can be bringing you down. Don’t rush into any decision. The decisions that have already been made have already been made.

“Whoever loves money never has enough; whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with their income. This too is meaningless.” –  Ecclesiastes 5:10

“Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control.” – Proverbs 25:28

My strength lies in my ability to have self control. An unconventional life. Not a conventional one. I have tried for too long to live conventionally.

It doesn’t matter if you have fallen, it only matters if you can get back up before you are broken or dead. Get back up on the virtuous horse. Take the last few years as a “break” and dedicate yourself to understanding what women can do, even the so called best of them.

I feel emasculated.


Study Hercules. Don’t follow his path.

This is your make it or break it time.

I have to let her know I’m leaving her to make her life and mine better. I think it’s the only way. I love her to death but that also means letting go when the time is right. Even if it kills me. She survives. And will thrive. 

Life is more than one person or group. If one chooses to think that way tests are always put up. The greatest challengers can make it through any situation even if it is so severe it is life or death.

It is always best to leave on good terms and before it gets bad. I want to do that with her.

I am not the type of man who has gained conventional success in my life and I may not gain it for many years or ever in this life. If she is looking for that I am not the right fit. I’m an unconventional man and must recognize it for what it is. 

I was not built or raised for this world I feel. I yearn for something different even if it something I cannot see. I must clear my head and eyes to get glimpses and at least look.

Maybe we need to take some time apart and see what happens.

I just want who I propose to yearn for it, to desire it, to be thrilled and to be excited and I don’t get that from her. Since I don’t get that from her I notice the same feeling in myself. I can see how it my own fault, but I wanted to try everything. To try and make it work.

What is scary is being alone again but I know I have won that battle many times before.

I want the decision to split up be in a situation where we are both in sane minds.

She knows the types of girls I’ve been with and she knows I will be with plenty more. I have to let her be with other dudes. Hardest thing when you let your lover go.

I’m going to start writing again. Looking through my posts. I feel successful when I do that. It builds my confidence.

I have to let her know I don’t want to be with her if I have another episode. I want to get out of our relationship before then. I’m trying to be the man about it. Maybe the only way to not have an episode is to be separate.

Start a new anon blog.

The saddest part about staying in a relationship with someone based on temporary happiness and addiction is that I constantly feel I am letting down God and the world because I cannot live life at my best. My only hope may be to get her pregnant to where we both have to quit drinking and everything else. Also may not work out and I get stuck on the hook. Who knows really. All I know is I felt compelled to break it off with her yesterday and I couldn’t do it. Like she wouldn’t let me. It was sort of a “don’t give up now” type attitude. I hope something gets better or changes. Just keeps getting worse for me even if she says things are getting better for her. I’m in hell and we are just getting engaged. Must think about everything clearly. Wish I had a Vipassana.

She says that she loves me and I do think she will stay by my side. I just don’t know if that is good enough for me. I dream bigger and I hate not being able to live my life fully on my own terms.

Maybe I need to go to AA and speak to other people who deal with the same thing.

It is not just consistent alcohol and smoke that fucks up a man, but constant or consistent sex. I’m literally the opposite of bramychara and I have failed at everything I have tried since then. I know the Indians say you shouldn’t live your life spiritual or whatever forever, but I just don’t know how much more I can take without a change. I utterly lack in productivity.

I wish I could find my own definition of success.

November 4th, 2020

If I’m gonna stay with Angela I hope that the Lord at least gives me a child just to bring me back to some sense of clarity even if it is different.

I just don’t think I can be fun with Angela if I am sober unless we both are.

I dedicated my life to trying and figuring out how to build a society that actually works. It is what anyone might do if they were in my spot. I saw that I had a shot and have used everything that has ever been given to me in this pursuit. I worry I have let down myself and the world. That’s the root of my depression.

November 11th, 2020

Find what you love to do and do it the rest of your life.

November 24th, 2020

Happy are those who are persecuted because they do what God requires. Matthew 5:10

December 27th, 2020

Reading Henry Millers the Air-conditioned Nightmare. He really writes how I think.

“The most terrible thing about America is that there is no escape from the treadmill which we have created.”

True then and truer now. The frontier is gone.

January 5th, 2021

Sometimes I feel I have no desires at all. No desire to become anything special. My only desire is to read and study whatever comes and interests me. 

January 7th, 2021

If you really want to change things.

The world was built that one person could irrevocably change the world with enough effort, even from behind the scenes. How could it be any other way? One needs first, direction. Second, energy, which comes from self-control leading to purity of spirit and heart. And third, the means which would be technology, writing and now computers/internet. But also some form of financial stability, which can come from blessings and/or hard work and lastly mental and spiritual stability which can come in the form of advisors, therapists, psychiatrists, support groups and meds when those may fail.

Direction comes from divine will. One can have their own will, but the change that is created will usually be lessened and many times in the wrong direction or unnecessary. Many times men and women of the past have been unaware of what they were meant for until the time was right and the whisper was given from above. This direction would lead them from that point on. 

What is your direction?

Where do you get your energy?

How pure is your spirit and heart?

Do you know how to write?

Do you have stability?

What they do not understand is that true movers move the greatest when they are challenged. Stay strong. This fight is far from over.

Remember even one person can change the tide of battle. Be ready. Be prepared. We can do this.

January 9th, 2021

Each is Great in his own place: The Transition from a Sanyasin to a Householder

I was reading a book called Karma Yoga: The Yoga of Action by Swami Vivekananda recently and something stuck out to me that I’d like to share.

He talks about how householders, even if it may seem otherwise, are equal to in every way spiritually as a sanyasin, which can be defined as a renunciate of worldly things.

Each is Great in his own place.

“The life of the married man is quite as great as that of the celibate who has devoted himself to religious work.”

“If the householder dies in battle fighting for his country or religion, he comes to the same goal as the Yogi by meditation.”

“If a man retires from the world to worship God, he must not think that those who live in the world and work for the good of the world are not worshipping God; neither must those who live in the world for wife and children think that those who give up the world are low vagabonds. Each is great in his own place.”

“If you want to be a householder, make your life a sacrifice for the welfare of others; and if you choose the life of renunciation, do not even look at beauty, and money, and power. Each is great in his own place, but the duty of the one is not the duty of the other.”

Hope this helps someone out there….

January 10th, 2021

“The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.” – Albert Camus

The Return to Life

Let it be more than a return to the life before Corona, but a return to life that is truly rich. Let us find something deeper than that which existed before the virus. That is the true meaning of “return to life.” 

We have a grand inheritance waiting for us. All beings. 

For people knew not what they were doing to others. 

We are so super close.

January 11th, 2021

All rites and rituals will be learned and performed. Those who do not believe will be left behind.

For the Nepalis know. The Israelis know. 

All it takes is a little training. Who has trained with both?

The chetris and Brahmins will reunite and bring us home.

Our ancestors knew the importance of rites and rituals. We shall learn again.

Let their be peace in our country and even greater unity.

For they have unity in Israel. They have unity in China. They have unity in many countries and yet why is it that the United States does not deserve unification?

What have we done so wrong? Our freedom allows bad actors to “attempt” to take power and control. Our freedom also allows the good actors to stop this from occurring. It could not be any other way.

Good could not exist without evil. 

Victory shall come again soon. Battles will be won, and eventually the war will come to an end. We shall unify.

A unified America means a unified world with freedom as its basis.

Keep your heads up patriots. We have this in the bag.

What separates the wheat from the chaff is that some can overcome even the highest mental and spiritual difficulties. We have learned to go further, to trust advisors, to trust that which God has created. 

Many have fallen. Many were left decrepit. Many died. That is why we are in the sticky situation we are in.

Many never knew. Many found out, but could not go forth, thus they documented. They left testimonials for others in the future to start from. We developed writing and reading to pass along the lessons to new generations of young men and women to not fall into the same pitfalls of our past.

I cry.

Tears of joy, of sadness, of both combined. 

It feels so strange to be so close, yet so far away… It is so hard to not have truly learned teachers from which to rely upon. This will change. True teachers will be created and will spread upon the land. 

The darkness will always exist, but it will never again fully encompass the light. Balance will prevail. 

The duality between this world and the other will create something new. 

Thank you for reading this. Let us all rejoice for the good news. Shipments will continue to come for as long as stability is here. 

January 19th, 2021

All karma is “judged” by intent.

For example, a surgeon uses a knife to cut out a cancer on a patient and sometimes the surgeon may accidentally make a mistake and kill that man. This is compared to a thief who on the road is trying to steal money and he uses his knife to purposefully kill a man. Although the karma of both recipients of death was the same, the karma generated by the surgeon and the thief are very different. One is innocent for he did not have negative intent and the other will suffer for having the intent to hurt a living being.

Repent means to change your intent. Many think that only they can judge their own intent, but intent is judged by the laws of karma as well.


Life is about learning to take control, but also letting go. If we take control our whole lives, we will be miserable. If we let go our whole lives, we will be miserable. The Nazis could not learn to “let go” thus they were creating a miserable world. That is why they lost.

The United States absorbed the elements of the Nazi party who wanted to take “full control” and thus the United States went from a balanced nation to one who wanted full control of the world. That is where we went wrong. We must learn to “let go” once again and let the flowers bloom where they may.

January 20th, 2021

Like a sparring partner, I play as opposition to make my opponents better. I don’t consider anyone to be my enemy even if they are my opponent. Darkness itself is my enemy. No individual or group is 100% Darkness itself, that I’m aware of.

January 21st, 2021

Although anonymity is one of the greatest gifts in life, it’s opposite is also equally great: recognition and credit for one’s achievements. Recognition always comes at some point, and yet rarely does it come in one’s “living life.” I seek anonymity, but also recognition, as it is something I have never experienced.



“The main condition for the achievement of love is the overcoming of one’s narcissism.”

I want to teach the world how to love, and how we find those we are meant to find. 

“The faculty to think objectively is reason; the emotional attitude behind reason is that of humility.”

I believe that although my ego is tremendously large, I must have it to “overcome” the other entities or “alternate perspectives” and reassert myself. Only by incorporating all perspectives can we reach “universal” objectivity. A machine cannot achieve objectivity because it cannot be led to the new distinct information necessary to re-achieve objective status. Machines are usually “fed” all information and usually lead to a subjective final outcome. 

I believe in creating a dynamic world that is fair and allows all people to rise, by teaching them all the rules of the game, metaphysically and physically. I believe in allowing flowers to bloom on their own without putting in too much effort and never behind the back of the plant. 

No one can see the final picture, nor can anyone truly control the machine that calculates our world. We must learn to paint again.

Physical health is not nearly as hard to “control” as mental and spiritual health. I have enough “battles” going on with the latter two forms of health that I do not worry about the “physical” battles in my presence. One day, others will understand this.

The profession of all human beings, at one time or another, in the future will be “metaphysical cleaners.” We have quite the job to do.

January 22nd, 2021

I can see clearly the course of “recent” history and why we are in the position we are in globally. What has happened is that all beings, including “royals”, for lack of a better word, reincarnate in the area that they die. The last 100 years or so, the forces of darkness have attempted to “move” royals, specifically, around the globe. In Russia, specifically they moved the Russian royal family to other countries, including the U.S. and settled them in places that were poor. Poor in spirit, poor in knowledge, poor in wealth, hoping that they would not wake up and realize what had happened. 

That is why there is a lack of reincarnated royals within the Russian motherland. I would say the same thing happened in Britain and their “royals” were also shipped to the U.S. and Australia and other provinces. That is the reason specifically why the British empire collapsed quickly afterwards. 

My “connection” to Russia, my “feeling” for Russia is that I am from their land. This is why Russia is so “dominant” in global affairs and land mass. This is also why I have wanted to visit for so long. My hardware is American, my soul is Russian, but my spirit is Nepali-Arya. 

World War 2 was about shipping their new and reincarnated “royals” throughout Europe and Asia. Since we lost these reincarnated souls, the US has been on the collapse ever since.

All of history is merely “the opponent” shifting these royals across the globe, building up countries, but then destroying them. This is how they control the battlefield.

Israel has attempted to take “royals” from across the globe and put them in its proximity so when they die they will be reborn into their nation. They literally suck the “life” out of the world, even if they may make the argument that they are trying to protect the “royal” lineages. 

“The opponent” believed that these descendants would never figure out their strategy and what has happened. It was a “good” plan, but completely evil in its origins. 

The strategy has been identified. It shall now be nullified, vilified, and destroyed.

All your base are belong to us. 

January 23rd, 2021

“Sports, oh how fun they are,

But sad in that “they” shift our kings,

Across the field, 

Still held in chains,

If they only knew.”

“No matter how many arrows are shot into the sky, 

Angels still fly.”

“When our royals return to their homes,

The viruses shall end,

Stability will be once again,




Write about how we “clone” ourselves naturally by setting examples that other people want to find in “new” acquaintances. The example sets the direction of evolution. What we desire, if we deserve it, comes, metaphysically.

They have put our kings into reality TV and “sport” and make fun of them in their ignorance. Entertainment is our chief global export. Who do we export this to is the question!?

Write about how we bond. And how we bond will lead to an egoless state of existence. We developed egos to eventually lead to the egoless state by bonding individually and collectively.

Write about racism and how we extinguish it. By allowing it to exist we become immune to being offended and this leads to the natural abolishment of racism.

“In divergent ways,

We settled these lands.

And in divergent ways,

We shall rule these lands.

Let us merely hold the door,

Open for many people,

To live freely.”

January 25th, 2021

“Indulgence”-Credit System

There is an “indulgence”-credit system built within the metaphysical world. Even if we run dry, the system itself knows if we will have the ability to pay them back or not. That is why some “do not make it” when they use their credit, while with others their “credit” is good.

The system knows what we are capable of. It offers and we either accept or deny.

If we build up our “indulgence credit” to such a high extent and don’t use it, we are then capable of “reaching beyond.” This is what the ancients knew. All life is just to get us to use our indulgences so we don’t “go beyond” the veil and “escape” the system.

There are some bodhisattvas who purposefully use their built-in indulgences to help the world rather than themselves.

The Buddha would say this is not the right way. But is there a “right way?”

January 25th, 2021

Our future may be some form of “dual-state.”

Can the two exist within the same system? Usually we have two sides who try to exert both sides to live under their singular rule. Either the socialists attempt to make everyone a socialist, or the freedom-lovers try to make everyone live under a “free” state and to force people to build themselves up or “pull themselves up by their bootstraps.”

What if we could have both? What if we had a system that would take care of people that needed help, but also was completely free to not take part in that system? To us the United States is heading in this direction. We do not need to part ways to have this system come to fruition.

We do not need to have a civil war, nor do we need to build two separate countries, one of which was socialist and one of which was free. We already have examples of this in recent history. One being Germany breaking into West and East and another being Korea, breaking into North and South. Germany eventually re-united and Korea is bound to eventually re-unite one day as well.

We encourage a “Liberty-Socialist” party to come into fruition as that seems to be the balance that we are looking for. Some who are more “freedom-loving” may come into tough times and need support, thus they may become more “socialist” and some who are more socialist, might be doing well and not need the support and become more “freedom-loving.” It can be very fluid.

A “Liberty-Socialist” party would be the very center of politics. It would be “objectively” the answer to what we are looking for. An umbrella that all people could find what they are looking for. There is nothing wrong with having far-left or far-right parties, but we must have a new “center” that incorporates the “best” of all parties.

Fascism is the very opposite of freedom in many ways. We are advocating a system that all people could take part in, regardless of their ideology. We are already there, but it has not been put in a conceptual framework from which to achieve. Some groups, especially those who wish the downfall of the US, attempt to divide us and to start a civil war by saying that one can either be “freedom-loving” or socialist, but not both. Well what if we can be both? We advocate for this path.

Metaphysics is not theology. It is the underlying rules and principles of the “game of life.” Any system works if it is built upon metaphysics. To me the best of all worlds is probably some form of socialism-freedom-metaphysics that eventually leads to a fully “Metaphysical-Anarchist” state.

This is what my intention is to provide. A stepping stone to a “Metaphysical-Anarchist” state which is more or less what the primordial-traditional state was.

The Freedom to choose your own path.

January 26th, 2021

I have applied to be an Army Chaplain. I have made it to the second round of questioning and will meet up with the Staff Sergeant next week.

I need to reiterate that although I am not individually certified in any one religion, I have studied all religions, spiritualities, and orthodoxies and feel very qualified as a teacher. My speciality would be metaphysical and spiritual warfare survival techniques. 

Our troops need to fully realize that they get is what they deserve. The good and the bad. If one can learn to change their present moment actions and intent, they can change what they deserve in the future. This is the meaning of wearing “The Armor of God.”

My only goal will be to teach our troops these important lessons. There should be no reason that our troops go into situations unprepared spiritually or mentally. All the physical training in the world cannot change one’s fate from occurring. I am merely a servant. 

I must let the Sergeant know that I have always lived my life as a true ambassador of the United States. Even if sometimes I was against it’s policies, I have always wished the best for our commander-in-chief. I have stuck up for all the presidents in some way. I respect the chain of command and who is in charge. I think I could in some way do this going forward within the system. 

January 27th, 2021

Poor soul, he will inevitably come unstuck.

Perhaps all “traits” are “acquired” when necessary to fight in the war. Our society sees generally those with “bipolar”, “schizophrenic”, as “negative” traits, with “polymaths” generally seen as a “positive.”Perhaps they are all “positive” in their potential for change, but negative in how difficult they can make life. Just added challenges to overcome.

Everything shifts and everyone does what the one tends to do as well. If one is a trader, everyone becomes a trader. It is part of the fabric. It is not the one, but the many. When they try to take down the markets, our “traders” keep it afloat. 


They tried to ‘off’ me in at least four different countries. They tried to “off me” physically, and more importantly spiritually, in Nepal. When neither worked, they tried to off me in India, Israel, and Florida, multiple times in the latter. I’m sure they would have tried again if I would have gone to China, but somehow they went ahead with it in Florida, again.

I know what it feels like to survive an attempt. Not good. But they know I can survive is all that matters.

I am a Druidic Gladiator. 

Three missiles sent into the wind, who combine into one, to evade, to identify threats, to dismantle threats, and win hearts along the way.

January 29th, 2021

Something I am working on:

“Madness” or “insanity” is merely the survival of death.

God watches over us closely. He doesn’t rest until He knows that everything is going to be alright. We are merely his stewards.

“Madness” is the survival of death. When we go insane, it is merely to show that we have survived death. It is not the man who can escape death, but the man that can survive insanity that prevails. We cannot see it but in hindsight. 

The quicker we come out of insanity, the quicker we come to our feet, the less that death can affect us.

We can know our friends by who we are most stable around. Key.

How many times have I gone crazy?

After Rollins. Florida. One, long one. Took a long time to bounce back.

Maybe in NYC from bike wreck. Did I go crazy after?

India. For sure was a little crazy before and after I was poisoned.

Traveling allowed me to live crazily for a long time so there are potentially an unlimited amount of times it might have happened in Asia. 

Thailand. Elephants, rope courses, and Muay Thai.

Origin: Did I die playing football and survive? Did the meds drive me a little crazy?

Israel. For sure went crazy and it was hard to survive that.

Florida. They for sure got me somewhere in Florida.

Arkansas. What happened and who did it in AR? My hardest struggle in the shortest time frame. Took me at least 9 months to make the recovery.

Sri Lanka. How many times did the “water” pull me in? Total insanity during this time.

How do I survive? Is it my faith and connection to God. It must be. This is the idea of Divine Crusadership. If one is a crusader, one is a crusader. Officially or unofficially. 

I am a Crusader.

I am a Gladiator.

I am a Druid.

I am His servant.

The question is not where one has came from, but where one is heading.


I think that people, whatever they were born with or acquired as life went on, made it or they didn’t. Medicine has only had this predisposition to label everything semi-recently. Especially “mentally”.

Insanity is not “bad”. It is just the opposite of sane. If we didn’t have insanity, we wouldn’t know what it felt like to be “sane.”

Should be treated as such.

January 31st, 2021

Living sacrifice – It is almost like when certain people are killed in one universe a new universe opens where that person is still alive. It is the multiverse in action. The people in the “new” universe do not see the death of that person because in that timeline or universe they didn’t die. We keep expanding in this way perhaps forever. What happens to the remnant universes? Are they eventually destroyed? Or do they stay open as well?


An instantaneous reaction is not a reaction but an action.

I would retrain the army to go to a randomized 21-7 day regimen, where 21 days are “full control” and 7 days are “letting go”. 

4 divisions. That way only 25% of the force is out at any given time. But you have 100% commitment from 75% of the force at all times.

“Apply for something and you will become it.”

Write on how to escape our modern day slavery. Zero taxes.

For the next 19 days focus on these two subjects. Rebuilding the military or a new military fighting force and how to overcome the slave state on a global scale. There must be a return to the world of hierarchy. True natural metaphysical hierarchy. Where all can rise and all can fall. Not controlled by financial power but metaphysical and spiritual authority. 

How did traditional societies live with or without money?

What societies are still similar to traditional societies? Nepal. Study Nepal. History, how they lived up until recently. 

February 1st, 2021

What is one to do if one figures out one cannot die and that one is a king in the traditional fashion? One cannot go around announcing, “I am a King, obey me, listen to me…” in this world as they will be called insane. What is one to do? Just exist in the world and try to be happy or try to take control and build a new empire within the world? What is one to do who yearns for that type of power? The power to truly help society and people? To take their rightful place?

Noblemen must be recognized as such. They can be born or built. They must stay near where they are from, until it is at a level that it is okay to leave. “There is a reason we are born in a certain area.”

There must return to the world of hierarchy. True natural metaphysical hierarchy. Where all can rise and all can fall. Not controlled by financial power but metaphysical and spiritual authority. 

What major battles in world history lost the war? The war between traditional and modern day empires? When was the “switch” point? Was it pre-history? Primordial history?

It is not that I cannot work, I can work 24/7 if it is for something that I believe in. I cannot work a useless, meaningless, “slave job” as that is pretty much all there is in today’s society. Every job that pays taxes is a slave job for the state.

How can we return to normalcy when the concept is so foreign to the typical “enslaved” person. They have moved the goal post so far that mere survival is basically all that matters to the common citizen. People can not fathom true “collective” living or what it means to be in a “normal society.” It is truly sad.

Perhaps all we can do in this time is to live “virtuously” as much as possible and finding a routine to allow it to happen. For me I will try a consecutive 21 day on, 7 day off “virtue” routine. I am about to start my 2nd in a row after going 21 days last month.

The question is how does one impart one’s own unique sense of urgency on to others when the entire concept of what our battle is has been “forgotten”? How does one have a sense of urgency when they are 75% in control and 25% letting go? Theoretically it is possible.

I can obviously see that at some point a true king perhaps chose to live the life of a recluse and this “gave an opening” to some external force to build an empire in the opposite way, which then spread out. Did this happen with the Buddha, with Confucius? With many Kings? At what point did we truly go wrong? Were we destined to go wrong so we would be destined to fix our situation?

We are most enslaved because they have total control of the financial world. Even if the financial world is under the dominance of the metaphysical and spiritual world, it makes it that much harder if one is financially incapable of the deeds that they wish to achieve. One must find benefactors and patrons perhaps. Where can one find these if the concept of what might draw these men near is gone in the first place? 

The question is always to “become known” or not “to become known”. That’s really the only question. 

When we are in such a state of “disrepair”, so far backwards, the inner peace and bliss that comes from being unknown must be sacrificed if given the opportunity to become known, if that gives one the financially opportunity to spread one’s message, knowledge, and “empire” a further distance.


They control the financial system and they control who becomes known and who does not become known.

To overcome this I will essentially force their hand. I will force them or the system to make us known, which will lead to, becoming financially stable, which will lead us to being able to make our dreams come true, which will lead to empire expansion, which will lead to a fair and dynamic world once again. Just takes self-control leading to virtuous living, continuously and consistently until they “give up.” If they can’t kill us, they will try to kill our characters. This will in actuality kill their character as I know at least I have nothing to fear or be ashamed of. That is my plan. I do not know the details, only the broad strokes.

February 4th, 2021

From Above,

Directed to Above.

Give up steady drip of entertainment. Give up watching movies and shows all the time. This creates sedation.

Take a step back and be one with yourself.

Do you duty and do it to the best of your ability. 

The best of my ability would be during my 21 days of taking control I give up watching movies and tv shows for entertainment. 

Oh how I yearn,

Oh how I churn,

To make the world turn,

To stop the world’s burn.

What am I to do?

When I can’t go through,

The tight hole that few,

Seem to be able to do.

Is it my environment?

Or is it me?

The energy,

Drains me completely.

I will stand tall,

With my flag upon the mall,

Waiting for a sign,

Of victory for all.


The Only Thing that matters about Anomalies and Nobodies

The only thing that really matters, is that people in this day and age “attempt” to be “anomalous” and thus the concept of the anomaly or nobody just grows. Anomalous means different. Different in a deeper way. People can feel that. People believe that they can be it, that they can disrupt the powers that be… they have that intent and that is all that matters. Memes win. People win. Anomalies win

What does it mean to be anomalous?

If one can learn to change the world without contact. That is anomalous.

If one can learn tradition and aim for it. That is anomalous.

If one can disrupt the system by his or her existence. That is anomalous.

The very existence of the concept of the anomaly during this time is anomalous. 

We build the concept of the anomaly purely so that some may follow in it’s footsteps. 

I think that it is not too hard to have the way to manifest your life in a positive direction. What is hard is to have a concrete “dream” or concept that is in an actual positive way for all of humanity. The knowledge of what to dream for is what is difficult to achieve. If one can learn the correct direction AND how to purify and manifest one’s life, that is anomalous. It is hard to achieve. The combination of both. That is what we represent.


Ruminating on how literally every action people take is for economic reasons. Every building is for economic activity. Such a bare existence. It’s like our recent “founders” built a system to enslave everyone including themselves. And for people who can’t stand the system no job can be found. To act without contact.

February 5th, 2021

I’m gonna write a book called American Gulag. It is basically my sorrow living in the gulag state. When you travel and get outside it, possibilities open up. When you’re in it, and can then see and feel it, it’s “naturally” depressing. We as a nation have enslaved the entire population. All work and pay taxes for their prison masters to keep them at work and in line. At what other time in history has a culture so thoroughly and transparently enslaved itself?

February 7th, 2021

I dreamt a wild dream. Crosses and arrows. Arrows hit their marks. It’s like a wish in a dream. I dream of receiving recognition. If I could have anything right now it would be that.

February 10th, 2021

Maybe I do need to try and develop my app ideas. If I am born merchant, try and be a merchant.

February 11, 2021

How do you write a book? You write a book by purposefully not publishing anything on the topic for weeks or months or even years and “perfecting” as much as possible one’s research, argument, perspective, outline, etc. until it is “as close to perfect as possible” and then releasing it all at once. Once one gets it to the closest point of perfection, one then takes it to advisors, editors, copyright, and it becomes a book. It doesn’t have to be a certain length. When it’s done it will be done. Just aim for “perfection” in whatever that means for you. 

When every boy realizes one day that they could be a hidden “king” we will live in a different world. When every girl realizes one day that they could be a princess or a “queen” we will live in a different world.

This book is not supposed to be the “be all, end all” of books. It is supposed to be merely a framework for a problem. For there are no problems that cannot be overcome if the problems themselves can be properly seen and vetted.

I expect anyone reading this book within the hellish worlds to look at it similarly as someone who was reading a book on a “far off world” and to be an impossibility to implement. I also expect many to mistake this book as a book of fiction and I find that funny. 

Write a book on heaven and hell. Being in heaven is a natural world where we don’t have the onslaught or deluge of things to be addicted to. They exist and will always exist, but they do not provide the “sole reason” for existence as they do now. (List all possible things to be addicted to in this world.)

Heaven is a world that is free of these things and hell is a world where that is all there is.

It may be true that any country that is “free”, that is without the benefit of enlightened rulers, will eventually lead to the “hellashish” world. We must have therefore individual, localized “enlightened rulers” who can identify both worlds and put us onto the path of the heavenly world. The world I see is almost “Amish”, but with less “forced-labor.” At some point though, it must be said, that an “enlightened” society is a working society but it is from a totally natural standpoint. Work is just a way to capture natural energy that comes from living healthily. It should not be considered to be work that is forced, even in a non-natural hellashish setting. There are two types of work.

Connect it to the book The Toxic State.

Here is what it’s about:

Write a post on how our government and society is literally built to corrupt the people as much as humanly possible. It is literally a spiritual warfare state where everything is in order to toxify the spirits of the people but they are not aware of it. Some can see it and feel it. Some, but few, can actually live in it even though it is hard. Some can rise above it and change it however by The Way. This is what you should write a book on. Very original. Someone built a full country and then changed it just to toxify the spirits of its citizens. How could a state like this fall though when it is purposely built for this reason? The Devil would never want to destroy his greatest work. Thus it keeps going on. The Lightbringers must rise above it and change it within and turn the tables on the system.

There is such evil in the world that if there is a Way, there is an Opposite Way as well. The question is was it consciously created or unconsciously. Done by the mind of man or the mind of the devil? Is the US not merely a foundational stone for this to spread across the earth? Across the universe?

Can we pull an ongoing train backwards? Can we stop it in its tracks?

I believe so.

“Our society is designed to imprint Capitalism into us, which values competition and greed above all else. What did you think was going to happen?”

I do not see an intrinsic problem with capitalism. There is a problem with understanding that which makes us pure and that which makes us “unpure” and building a society to purposefully make us unpure. It is either purposefully built, consciously or unconsciously, or it is merely ignorance. Either way, the train must be stopped and rerouted. It only takes one working with everything that they have, IMHO.

 Create the concept that the definition of an “enlightened ruler” is one who can through force of will create a group of “holy warriors” who can fight through hell to come back to a time of heaven. One who can train men or women to defend their way of life through thick and through thin.

An enlightened ruler must be a philosopher king. They must know ALL their subjects and all their people. Let every city or county have a king. There is no way a state of country can have a king as they would not be able to know all their citizens. A true leader or ruler would know everyone really and that can only be done on the city or county level. Like this, let kings spread like flowers across the world.

The short of it is that I call for a new class of philosopher kings, ruling from the local level, that can bring us from the hellashish world to the heavenly world. It’s literally IMHO the only way truly “forward.”

From now on, when reading, take notes and start building a bibliography for said book. Focus on Guenon and Evola. Every quote that builds the book write down somewhere.

All kings should live by the axiom, “We get what we deserve, the good and the bad.” They should know how to change what we do in the present moment to change what we deserve in the future. This is the basis for a king in the past, present, and future.

It has always been a question of mine, “Why don’t we have the same masterpieces or ‘masters’ like what we had in the past?” The only true answer is we live in the world of hell where these flowers cannot rise like they did in the past.

Rulers must overlook their entire kingdom. They must be self-sufficient. We must have the ability to create enough food to feed everyone in the system. We must have craftsman and merchants who can provide the goods necessary to be self-sufficient. We must have warriors to defend the system from outside invasion. We must have a spiritual elite (priests, masters) who rise within the system and keep it flourishing.

What is “nobility”? Nobility is “wealthy” families. What are “wealthy” families? Wealthy families are groups of souls who are born together who have in some way in their past lives overcome the necessity of a life of poverty and “deserve” the opportunity to live with financial wealth, which can be just as difficult as a life of poverty. It means they may still desire wealth but may need to overcome it. It means that they might be able to do more with their lives by not worrying about money so much. Major wealth discrepancies in the future will flatline, IMO. 

More or less, anytime the population grows to a point where a king no longer knows all their subjects, new kings will arise in a given area that should be given their own lands and powers of governing. Perhaps the new kings who come from the old stock will in some way owe a debt of fealty to the old king. Maybe, maybe not depending on the circumstances. Like this, anyone can rise to become a king or queen within society. There are no strict rules about who these people are, or who they are born as.

“When every boy realizes one day that they could be a “king” we will live in a different world. When every girl realizes one day that they could be a princess or a “queen” we will live in a different world.”

Why are there so few masters? Because we live in the hellashish world.

Why is life so difficult? Because we live in the hellashish world.

Why are there so many suicides? Because we live in the hellashish world.

I want to rebuild the heavenly world and I am looking for fellow foot soldiers.

Just because the political system of monarchy has nearly been forgotten, does not mean that it will be forgotten. Just because it has been relegated to the “dustbin” of history, does not mean it will not be dusted off and given it’s proper place. Just because people cannot see the hierarchies that are in place, does not mean they do not exist. Whether I am alive in this life, or in the next, I intend to see it sprout once again for we lack any discernible leadership in this country and we also lack variety and dynamism. Monarchy, on a local scale, globally, will once again create a dynamic world, where new ideas will flourish and be implemented. The bad ideas will not work, but the good ideas will spread like wildfire. There will be no shortage of good deeds, leaders, or heroes in the world to come. 

February 12th, 2021

Make a fiction book and call it 2100.

Maybe biggest issue is that if I can’t live a “normal life” I feel there must be something wrong with society and not myself. Why am I born the way that I am? I don’t consider it to be an extra challenge. I consider it to be an extra power to help me someway in our current society. 

I don’t give a fuck about work or making money. Is that my problem or is that the problem of society forcing everyone to worry about making money constantly?

March 24th, 2021

My emotions and moods are like the waves and tides of the ocean.

Who is the moon who controls my motion?

April 13th, 2021

Angela and my greatest strength and our greatest weakness is that neither of us need each other to be happy or go on with life.

April 14th, 2021

I have had this general feeling my whole life that one day I was going to be famous and I ruminated on what fame was and meant. Ultimately, I decided that it would not be worth it to be famous and so I have intentionally hid from fame. Now, as I get older, and it is more and more difficult to take care of myself financially, I tend to seek fame just to be able to take care of myself and to find some form of recognition. 

April 16th, 2021

And so it seems,

That this American Sadhu,

Has awoken into a Blind House,

Trapped in an American Gulag.

What shall be the next step?