Daily Musings: Meditation, Relationships, and our Conundrum with China

January 8th, 2019 – 9:00 PM – Dhamma Siri, Kaufman, Texas

A new day and a new year! I am about to serve a Vipassana course in Kaufman, Texas. I have sat two courses here before, but this is my first service. Bout a six hour drive from Arkansas. I had originally wanted to serve this course, but it was full so they put me on the waiting list. Two days ago, I was pleasantly surprised to find the email asking me to come to which I responded yes to immediately and now here I am. I need it badly for my health in all ways. My grandfather was a bit upset because I was supposed to go with him to Sanibel early for a few weeks, but that didn’t happen. My girlfriend Angela was also a bit upset as she is not a fan of me leaving for long periods. I will return in approximately two weeks so it’s not that bad. My hand is cramping from a lack of writing, which is a good feeling. Thank you to my stepmom Julie for this wonderful new journal. Tomorrow I will attempt to explain my future plans. Ciao!

Jan. 9th, 2019 – 3:00 PM

So I’ve been dating a girl I met at Creekside in Siloam for about six months or more. Angela is great. We have a lot in common, but also a lot of differences. Her two daughters Akiah and Ayla are truly special as well. I try my best to be a good boyfriend, but it is difficult as we both know I am hard, if not impossible, to “tame”. I am in the early stages of planning a trip back to Asia. This time to the belly of the beast which to me at this moment is China. I’d like to start a new blog and focus on “objective” writing and videos about the topics that interest me, which primarily focus on their new dystopian social credit score system, recent Muslim internment camps, crackdowns of “underground” churches, “banning” hip hop music and culture, and finally the possibility of a real war starting, which would more than likely lead to the internment of foreigners including Americans. I’ll write more on it tomorrow. In the meantime, the course is starting today. 

Jan. 10th, ‘19 – 4:50 PM

I find myself struggling a bit in this service. From my period in Israel, I doubt more and more the path of mediation and peace at least for me in this time of my life. Primarily because we have no proof in the present that it works, that nibbana exists, or enlightenment/liberation is possible. At the end of the day a “peaceful” or “pacified” people will be subjugated, unless karma/dharma can prevent it from occurring. Seems to me there is a possibility that a wealthy man during the time of the Buddha may have created the entire story or path of the Buddha to build morality for his people and family into the future. This probably cannot be proven, but perhaps all of Buddhism cannot be either. I think Vipassana courses are most effective in the teaching of dharma and metaphysics. Sila for ten days can be very good for anyone, BUT doing a mediation incorrectly can be very “harmful” to many as well. A few thoughts have arisen the past few days.

1. The beauty of metaphysics is that they are empirical.

2. In a free society, the “good” will always shine through the majority of the people. In a repressive or restricted society, it is the opposite. Thus freedom must reign absolute even if it is “scary” to some.

3. Modern day liberals are liberals because they have been convinced it is the “cool thing to do.” Furthermore, many people in the world do not have the mental capacity to think for themselves either from their own indoctrination into “liberal-hood”, a lack of education or lack of willpower. People rather blindly follow an idea to be “socially accepted” by some than critically think for themselves. Ultimately, it goes back to the idea of charity. Is it better to help someone by giving them a handout or is it better to leave them alone and allow them to succeed on their own? This is a critical thinking question with perhaps no perfectly right answer. At the end of the day (to me) giving handouts will hurt someone more than help them. Some cannot understand this.

Jan. 11th, ‘19 – 2:30 AM

Just woke up from an extremely vivid dream where I was arrested driving in Siloam on murder charges. Pretty surreal. It was a wild dream. I can’t remember how it all went down beforehand, but I remember I had made some videos after the event that they used against me. I knew I was gonna be arrested. There were soldiers in the street. They pulled me out of the car and took me in. My father was by my side. Very vivid. 

7:00 PM

All is generally well. I continually come to the agreement that I cannot progress further in my mediation. I feel I am just always running in circles. One day I will retrace my steps in Nepal… 24 day Kirya yoga, 20 day mountain hike, and finish with the 10 day Vipassana. Not for sure if it will work, but worth trying again one day.

Lots of nice people serving here. Mostly young. Old friend Anup from Nepal is here. Hanging with him makes me nostalgic for Nepal. In general I feel happy. Currently reading a book on Ayn Rand’s philosophy of Objectivism. She asserts “existence exists,” which means that even if no human being’s consciousness was on the earth, the earth and everything on it would still exist. It is the primacy of existence over the primacy of consciousness, the latter being leaned toward by the majority of religions and spiritualities throughout history, including Buddhism.

Jan. 12th, ‘19 – 7:00 PM

“To Talk or Not to Talk”

The root of all problems is “being the ego.” The ego must be fed by action, thoughts, and words. When we unconsciously feed the ego by thoughts, actions, and words we are in essence “being the ego.” When we cut off the source, the ego cannot survive and will eventually melt away. In the process “it” likes to talk as the “voice within”. 

Try this. Go to where people are, where they congregate, and instead of striking up a conversation, hold back. This can melt the ego. What is this concept? Gym, library, cafe, casino? Places people go but aren’t expected to speak. Restaurant bar? Dog park? Museum. We can’t always not talk though. One day on, one day off. Be aware of automatic meaningless random talk.

Why does it work? From a physical and mental level, talking requires more energy than it may seem. By limiting this, this energy goes to heal us. From a spiritual perspective, speech is directly connected to ego, which many consider to be a primary source of all types of problems. Some people are blatantly overly-egotistical when they talk, only focusing on themselves, etc. Others and perhaps the majority of people are very subtle and unaware of their ego’s subtle ways. Sometimes even talking about another or asking a question has egotistical connotations. 

One doesn’t need full energy all the time. Only a little more natural energy than they had before. This can heal the body and mind. The question is not “to be or not to be,” but “to talk or not to talk.”

Jan. 13th, ‘19 – 3:30 AM

Woke up from a dream with Kanye once again, but this time also with Kim K. Like we were old friends. Maybe one day we will be. They were modeling or taking photos together for a car called the Panther. I remember the photos perfectly. Close up shots of their faces. Kanye was behind her. Kim’s eyes looked amazing with either a black strip across here eyes or some sort of glasses. Green eye shadow and green eyes. Was a sight to behold. I think Kanye and I would get along. 

Jan. 14th, ‘19 – 9 AM

The only sure way I have come out of my depression in the past is to be sober. To hold sila. My problem recently is that when I start to feel better, I want to celebrate by going drinking. I must make a strong determined effort to stay clean. In my trading, I do well until I get greedy. I need to watch closely and as soon as I get greedy pull my bets off the table. 

8:30 PM

Well my toothache came back today so I decided to take an antibiotic (to stop any infection), and an Aleve for the pain. While meditating I noticed a big buildup of pain in my feet while I was in an Indian-style cross-legged position. Perhaps because of the Aleve it didn’t bother me however and I could feel it “release.” I will repeat the process tomorrow to see if more pain will come and go. I was only doing anapana. 

I feel when I serve a course, I make more than just friends with the other servers. It’s like family. This is perhaps the first time I have served a course with the same person more than once. A few years ago I served in Houston with Anup. I was happy to see him again here when I arrived. Nothing had changed except he has been a long term server for a while and is now an expert on everything, especially the kitchen. Tonight was his last before he goes to Massachusetts tomorrow for a 30 day course. I, along with everyone else, am sad to see him go early. Gonna have to pick up the slack. 

Jan. 16th, ‘19 – 8:00 AM

A big realization is that it is easier than anytime in history to be under the radar or to hide from fame. It is a bit of an oxymoron. One would think it to be harder. In the past, if someone was able to do what I have done, travel the world writing, etc, it would be very difficult for that person to remain anonymous or “unknown.” There are so many people who aim to be famous and above the radar across the internet that those who want to do the opposite can if they choose consciously to do so. 

It’s sad to me that the path or road to fame has become the natural choice of people in recent years. People don’t have the objective ability to stop and think if becoming “famous” and recognizable is something they that really want. It is “oh of course that is what I really want, because that is what everyone else wants.” 

11:20 AM

The one over-arching question that I have for a new blog or documentary on China is, “Does China deserve to be the next world leader?” Does whether one deserve it or not even matter in the long run whether one becomes a world leader or not? I would say the US became the world leader after WW2, but they did in fact deserve it objectively-speaking. 

Put the pieces together. US-China trade war has a greater than normal chance of turning to a real war. Foreigners are leaving China in droves. China is now saying they can keep people from leaving China. China already has internment camps for Muslims. Not far fetched to think these types of internment camps will house Americans soon. By going to China at this moment, I am in essence risking throwing myself into the dungeon. China has no one in their leadership structure who can speak truth to power. Thus in a real war it will eventually lead to Americans being rounded up. What good can I do for them here except write? I will go there in an attempt to be a consoler if need be and accept my fate. I will be sober the entire time and see what happens. I will start a blog and not release it until I have spent a few months in China to get my bearings.

7:00 PM

Does China have modern day heroes? If so, how are they made or judged as heroes? Can a nation rise without heroism? Does China attempt to stamp out heroism? Since the leadership of China have all risen within China since the Cultural Revolution and beyond, do they even have the ability to look in the mirror or be objective about who they are or what they are trying to do? Is any part of China original or have they merely copied empires of the past? Are they making the same mistakes as prior empires in China and around the world? I need to read full biographies of Mao, Xi Jinping, etc. I must be fully prepared before I go. If I can make it to Japan, make money in my first month to spend in the second, and then use my credit card while in China, I can make it there six months or more. So my plan would be Kyoto, Nagano, Tokyo, Beijing, then either Shanghai or just let the wind take me where it may. I just have to be there. I need to see and meet the people.

“Be in control of every word you speak.” I’d like to get two small tattoos near my cuff link area of the wrists. “FC” for focus and “WP” for willpower. Furthermore, I would like to find a Japanese tattoo artist who can do a samurai battling a large dragon.

Jan. 17th, ‘19 – 5:30 AM

Had a really cool dream. I like the dreams where I see the character I’m playing occasionally in first person and other times in third person. I think it’s an interesting cinematic option as well. Might be confusing for the audience. Might be cool.

Anyways it all started off pretty normal. Don’t remember it all. Normal looking white guy with his buddy. Except his bud drives in an old white Lamborghini. They go up to an old parking garage late night to meet a friend for some smoke. Lo and behold the main guy doesn’t know it, we think, but he is unwillingly being used for a drug deal lookout. The guy they were meeting has a big stash of money and weed in his van. A huge group of Jamaicans come from all sides and surround him. They bring guns from all around so no one has time to do anything. They put them all in a van and start asking questions while driving. Whole time the main guy is a little scared or acting that way. He can’t tell if he is screwed or will be ok. He starts free styling in the back of the van which is filled with a lot of the Jamaicans’ children and family as well.

They pull up to some warehouse and toss all into some big cages. One of the guys watching the cage pulls out a cigarette red box and throws it at the main guy to get one. Somehow he has his own red box and through slight of hand switches his for the one the guy gave him. We don’t know at this moment what’s in either. Last thing I saw before waking up was the main guy taking a key bump out of something from either one of these boxes which looked to be a mix of cocaine and gunpowder. And scene.

I liquidated my trading accounts last night. Need photos for new passport. Keep conceptualizing new blog name ideas. Maybe have two blogs. One in front of the scenes and one behind the scenes.

6:00 PM

People may ask why not be an inventor or businessman. My answer is we don’t need more stuff. I’ve recently been reading a lot about Ayn Rand’s philosophy “objectivism.” Fascinating so far. Finished The Fountainhead recently and it totally blew my mind. It made me so proud of her as a human being to write something like this. That is what people have the potential to do. The world and all of humanity can rejoice in the great achievements of others. 

Jan. 18th, ‘19 – 12:30 PM

After I return from my Chinese expedition I would like to move to Washington, D.C. and look for the best job I can find. This city must be “nudged” in the correct direction one individual at a time. Can we turn the U.S. back into a country from a corporation or it is too late? If I can build the new blog correctly, it could be my calling card or ticket in Washington. Asking and answering deep questions objectively. Anyone can read. Nothing too crazy. 

The basis of this new blog will be reality, truth, and reason. It will be about an individualist standing up to the collective menace whenever and wherever it can be found. Can there be a greater place to start than China? It must be objective. It must be well thought out. It is about grasping and condensing knowledge. Where do we find ourselves? Who are our allies? Enemies? What are our goals? Just as the push for collectivism has been so proactive the past century, we must equal it’s fervor with the argument for individualism. We must answer why both cannot exist and why individualism will never cease to exist even though this is the goal of collectivists world-wide.

6:00 PM

I think an argument could be made that modern day warfare, going back to probably WW2, is more about crushing individualism than actually fighting wars. That is why China doesn’t actually want a war. War would in essence create and promote individuals who stood out from the crowd and this would threaten the “civilian-nature” of the population, leadership, as well as Politburo. This would be disastrous for China’s “wack-a-mole” style of destruction of individuals within the country. Perpetual peace, but perpetual recruitment destroys many people who may have gone on to be great individuals. A permanent net to “weed out” anyone from rising in society apart from those the government deem fit. War has ALWAYS been a way of separating individuals from the collective.

7:00 PM

I operate from the viewpoint individualism brings out the objective best in people. Collectivism brings out the objective worst. Individualism brings out superiority. Collectivism equals eternal mediocrity. 

My question is “Does China deserve to be the next sole superpower?,” which is their stated goal. An easy answer would be, “Do they allow freedom of speech for domestic and foreign journalist?” If by chance they decide they must kick out little ole me, a nobody, this would answer the question. It would show inherent weakness to not allow criticism. China is essentially swimming “against the current” on so many fronts. How long can they keep this up? Can they reform or will reform collapse their system?

In my new blog, I will mostly report on what I see. Objective reality. I will also work on developing concepts. Long term I would like to go work in DC focusing on writing, politics, ideology, diplomacy with a focus on the Middle East and Asia and China specifically. The “war” going on between China and the US is more than a trade war, it is a complete ideological war. That is what needs to be focused on and discussed. This is my goal. I must observe, pass judgment, and distill knowledge to be easily graspable by the reader. “The primary act – the process of reason – the process of observing, considering, passing judgement – has to be performed by each man alone,” according to Ayn Rand.

What can people truly become if other people, who felt justified and it it to be their “duty”, just stopped messing with them. Generations of potentially great individuals are being lost because many “second-handers” have made their main goals in life to stop individuals from being individuals. They can’t rise themselves so to feel better they denigrate and stop other individuals from their own pursuits.

Jan. 19th, ‘19 – 6:30 AM

Perhaps people who talk about privilege don’t understand that it is also a privilege to start from scratch. 

It must be a great feeling to know that one rose from the bottom. A feeling that cannot be experienced by one from a higher class, except if one believes in reincarnation and karma. It must be a great feeling to feel so free, to not have expectations, nor footsteps to follow in any one path. It must be a great feeling to not have one or many looking over one’s shoulder, constantly in judgment. It must be a great feeling to not be judged for what one’s last name may be. The “elite” are the ones who broke out of the situation they were born into, rich or poor.

9:00 PM

I think the greatest gift Angela has given or shown me is that if I cannot be happy with her in NWA, I will not be happy with anyone here. She loved me when I needed love the most. When I needed someone to rely on to help me out of my situation. And I will never forget her for that. Her gift is a great gift indeed.

As much as I try to convince myself I am looking for simplicity, I feel that I need a certain level of complexity as well as a bigger fish tank to swim in to test my skills.  She may suffer for the time being, but it is what it is. Who knows, maybe one day we will reunite either here or there.

I have to make her understand this is not easy for me, even if I try to make it look not hard. I wish I could be different and repay her in every way that she wants. Many women have helped me on my path and yet I have had to give up so many loves in my life. I wish I knew why. Even my tears of sadness are ultimately tears of joy, for they show that I can still feel something.

Most people might not know it, but in the end we all want someone who has the ability to make us suffer. Who has the ability to break our hearts. If we always meet people who don’t have the ability to do this, we will never have any “skin in the game,” and this may hamper our ability to grow.

Jan. 24th, 2019 – Siloam Springs, AR – 7:00 AM

I am about to have two of my back molars removed because of periodontal disease. I feel like this could be a “major upgrade” on my quality of life as I have felt “sick”, with low energy, for some time. Could this be the reason for it? I am excited to see.

7:00 PM

Teeth are out! Let’s see how I feel in the days and weeks to come…



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